Enjoying the Ride

This Christmas has been a roller coaster of emotions! The highs are higher and more amazing that we could have expected. And the plunges have been fast, steep and not always quick to level out. It’s a windy ride… but we wouldn’t have it any other way!  

Between every cutesy Facebook post or photo is a lot of craziness. I’m not about to post the madness online… but I also hate how the glossy status updates aren’t a depiction of real life. Know that those pictures don’t tell the real story. ;)

That being said, the past 2-3 weeks have been wonderful. James and Esther are amazing. Asher and Cora are incredible. The laughter, joy and love we're all experiencing far exceeds the tears.

Thank you for the continued prayers and support! We are so blessed!

 

"I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done." Pslam 9:1

Introductions

In the summer of 2013 we started the adoption process, not knowing who it was that would one day be part of our family.

In May 2015, God placed their names in our hearts.

In June 2015, I met them in their birth country, Sierra Leone, and gave them hugs for the first time.

In September 2016, they met their new daddy and officially joined our family.

And now, in December 2017, we are thrilled to be united.  

We are filled with such JOY to FINALLY introduce you to James & Esther! 

James lights up a room! He's positive, energetic and extremely considerate of others. People just gravitate towards him... Future plans may include photography - he has already mastered the art of a good selfie.

  

  
Esther is so lovable! She's curious, helpful and wants to figure things out on her own. She has a deep voice that God has paired with an endearing little giggle. She can bring out the sass and likes to strike a pose.

 

We can't wait for you to meet them!   

The Light

Entering a THIRD holiday season with our family still split across continents has been so disheartening. I was ready to skip Thanksgiving and "Bah Humbug" my way through December. 

But then I decided we can't possibly skim over celebrating God's goodness this season. There's just too much to be grateful for, even in the midst of heartache. So over the past few days I was silently chanting "fake it til ya make it"... 

We made gingerbread houses while watching the Thanksgiving parade... Ate way too many of Mimi's pumpkin bars.... Flipped the car stations to 24 hour Christmas music... Whispered our wants to Santa... Walked down memory lane as we hung our family ornaments... And lit up the tree... 

And wow, the light has been transforming! So warm and uplifting, truly penetrating our physical and emotional darkness. Thank you, Jesus, for being the light in my heart and the Light of the World.    

 

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. John 1:5

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”  John 8:12

Laying Claim

We started our adoption journey the summer of 2013. But really it started long before that, because God had stirred out hearts towards adoption over 10 years prior. And I can look back even further to see seeds planted when I was as young as a child. So we had come to the point of saying yes, God. We see where you’ve brought us and where you want us to go – we’re jumping in! We submitted our home study, added our names to the waiting list for Ethiopia adoptions… And then the strangest thing happened – crickets. Silence. No movement at all. For over a year. We were so frustrated with the waiting – but had no idea what waiting was still to come!  

Moving forward with the adoption was so aligned with our life purpose and calling… and the initial paperwork went so smoothly. So I had allowed myself to assume the potential hurdles might not apply. I fall into thinking this way sometimes… I assume if my motives are kingdom-enhancing or if I’m doing something at God's prompting, it will be easy. It will come together quickly. But He doesn’t promise us that. Twists and turns are likely and should be expected. Troubles are guaranteed. I knew that in my head, but had to truly accept it in my heart.

We walked through some ups and downs that first year – paperwork issues, policy changes, etc. – and then Ethiopia halted international adoptions. Around that same time, late in 2014, we started learning more about another African country where there was no wait list – there were children immediately in needs of homes. So we switched programs and agencies. 

In May 2015, we first heard of our children, a little boy and girl. We really only had their names in the beginning, but those sweet names were implanted in our hearts. They just hung with us and we knew they were going to be part of our family. I flew over to meet them as quickly as possible… which was a challenge because ebola was rampant in their country. There were safety protocols, lockdowns, curfews and immigration checks to work through. Those are all crazy stories for another day! But the trip came together and I spent 3 days putting faces and personalities together with those names.

When I first met our son, he walked into the room with a huge smile on his face and just called out, “mama”! I showed him a photo of our family back in the US and he kissed the picture and said “now I have a brother!” Our daughter was slower to warm up… She sat on my lap, her body so rigid in fear… and then after a while she just relaxed and melted back into me… That day, meeting them, was more than I could have ever imagined.

I flew home with the understanding that in 6 months we could return to bring them home with us. Six months felt like an eternity, but we had an end date in sight which made it feel “doable.” Our sweet little middle-of-the-night babbling phone calls would carry us through. Then six months turned into 7, then 8, 9… Paperwork was lost, attorneys were replaced, signatures were re-collected… 9 months turned into 10, 11, 12, 13…

My emotions were all over the place… I stayed grounded by clinging to scripture. I would pick a verse and just repeat it to myself over and over. After a while, a few days or weeks, my anxiety would start to rise and I’d search out a new scripture on which I could meditate and re-center…

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

Some trust in chariots and some in horses (or adoption agencies, lawyers, judges, etc.), but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. Psalm 20:7 

Be strong and have strength of heart. Do not be afraid... the Lord your God is the One Who goes with you. He will be faithful to you. He will not leave you.”

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying." - Romans 12:12

And so on….

Around month 14, we learned there was a judge who would hear our adoption case. Chad and I flew back to Africa, together this time. It was his first chance to meet the kids I had been describing for over a year. It was beautiful - they were so proud to call him their own!

That first day in-country we went to court expecting to have the adoption finalized… but it wasn’t immediately granted. It was postponed. Day after day, sitting on benches in the court house felt never ending. After a full week, Chad had to fly home to the States and I stayed on.

I claim many miracles throughout this process, times when it was clear to me that God intervened and did something supernatural and spectacular on our behalf. One example is when the adoption was finally granted:

On my last appearance before the judge, he had become agitated with one of the witnesses and discovered a misprint on someone’s identification card. The judge abruptly stopped the session, sent us away and said he’d make a decision the next day. So there was nothing I could do but pace my hotel room for the next 24 hours and pray. I got a call the next morning that the judge was expecting myself, the children and all witnesses from the past 2 weeks to be in attendance immediately. The kids were not with me – and everyone else was at least an hour’s drive away. None of us were aware that we were required in court! So I showed up at the judge’s chambers late, alone, ill prepared and anxious! Just as I got there, my attorney came walking out of the judge’s chambers, calm and smiling. The adoption had been granted! The attorney had been discussing the ID card discrepancy with the judge, and felt an urge to check his own ID. When he pulled out his card, he saw that it, too, had a misprint regarding his place of birth. He had never before noticed the error and convinced the judge that these misprints must not be uncommon and should definitely not hold the children back from their future. The judge agreed. How absolutely crazy is that? I will NEVER forget sitting in the facilitator’s car a few moments later. He hit play on a worship CD while I sat in the back seat bawling. Such awe. Such relief. We remembered that and drew upon the memory as we moved forward and waited expectantly for our family to be united. 

So I came home. We were excited, re-energized and ready to makes things happen. We were now applying for the kids' US visas – the document they need to physically enter our country. After years of dealing with the unreliability of foreign governments in third world countries, we would be working with our own government. This would be the “easy” part!

We applied for visas in November 2016… and then the waiting started again. Unanswered phone calls, form responses to e-mails. 1, 2, 3, 4 months went by without any information specific to our case. We called the state department, senators, congressman, immigration officials… We showed up at a congressman’s town hall, tracked down his aide and sobbed out our story. We had expected to not have a voice in the adoption proceedings oversees, but how could we not have a voice here, in our own country? And after all of the miraculous ways God wove the adoption together, how could we just be left in this unthinkable place – with our kids separated on two different continents? We hit a low. 

5, 6, 7, 8 more months… In August 2017 we received notice that not only were the kids’ not getting visas, prior approval of our adoption was being revoked. We retained an attorney, gathered a team of investigators overseas and just dug in. We basically had to reconcile what the US ideally wants to see in terms of documentation versus what is actually available in a third world country that has very limited structure, process and resources. We never imagined we would be in a fight like this. It felt like a legal battle with our own government. It was an emotional battle to stay hopeful and not give in to weariness. It was a spiritual battle to always trust that God is fighting for our family.

A few more miracles were added to our list – it all came together and our initial approval was upheld. Now, 11 months after we first applied for visas, we are reapplying. So the story isn’t over, I’m confident it’s actually just beginning. I feel like God has been pressing upon my heart to write our story and CLAIM the ending. So here it is: God is the Father of the fatherless. He will not leave these children as orphans. They are coming home to us!

Time

Do you all think about time as much as I do? I measure, track and so on! I am constantly thinking about how to handle something efficiently, how to coordinate family schedules, how to maximize errand running, etc. It's a valuable resource that I want to use well! 

I also often think in terms of lapsed time... looking back at our family photo books, comparing the kids' school pictures from year to year, playing a memory game of what were we doing this time last year? 10 years ago? 

As a parent there are so many ways to measure the time passed with our kids - the birthdays, the school grades, the holidays, the well checks... let alone all of the day to day bonding and memory making. So I really struggle with the notion of lost time... For example, our daughter just turned 8. I met her when she was 5. My mind immediately does the math and focuses on the 3 years gone. It's so hard to not dwell there! 

But I'm starting to feel my mind being freed from this... It's (finally) sinking in that when God says His thoughts & ways are not the same as ours... that includes time. Time isn't the same for Him... He can redeem something that is lost in the blink of an eye.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

When we received notice regarding our children's case in August, we had 33 days to respond. That did not seem like a doable time frame for the task at hand. Our attorney was preparing us for the long term appeal process that would ensue, assuming we didn't meet the deadline. Those 33 days became a constant countdown in the back of my mind. But as much as I was aware of it, I didn't feel all that anxious. We were confident that the bleaker things appeared to be, the greater the victory could be... and the more awesome the story would be to tell... We know from experience that God shines in what appears to be "crunch time." His ways are not ours...

And here's what has been happening:
- Our deadline was extended by a week based on a clerical error in the paperwork. That was a miraculous gift of extra time!
- The information we needed to submit was reliant upon a team in the children's birth country... a team that was also living through horrific flooding and mudslides... a team whose technology challenges meant their scanner was intermittent in getting documents to us... and yet everything needed came through in the end!
- After submitting our paperwork, our previous approval was IMMEDIATELY upheld. Hallelujah!

All incredible! So now our focus is back to securing visas. 

I don't know why this is taking so long... I don't know why this is all playing out in such a complicated, messy way... I will likely never know. But I do know that God's thoughts and ways (and concept of time) is higher than my own. There's a freedom in knowing God knows and I don't have to - I'm not even expected to!

P.S. This month marked a birthday for our sweet girl!
Praying she felt loved from a distance! 

Battle Weary

I am re-surfacing a bit after a month of craziness. For those of you I kind of shut down on, I apologize! It's been a difficult month and I was just trying to get through. Thank you for the space you've given us.

In early August we finally heard back regarding the kids' visas. It was NOT the long awaited approval that we were expecting. And so life became a whirlwind...

We retained an attorney, gathered a team of investigators overseas and just dug in. We're basically reconciling what the US ideally wants to see in terms of documentation versus what is actually available in a third world country that has very limited structure, process and resources.

We never imagined we would be in a fight like this. It's a legal battle with our own government. It's an emotional battle to stay hopeful and not give in to weariness. It's a spiritual battle to always trust that God is fighting for our family. Prayers continue to be appreciated!

“Don’t ever be afraid or discouraged... Be strong and courageous..." Joshua 10:25

"Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so mere people can no longer terrify them." Psalm 10:17-18

Numbing

If you've chatted with me lately, you can attest to the fact that I've been a scatterbrained mess! Forgetful. Disconnected... and not quite able to pinpoint what it is I'm feeling. Thoughts of our sweet kids across the sea are always running through the back of my head. But I can't really entertain detailed thoughts. It's like I'm physically incapable of following the thoughts through - my mind just shuts down. I can't process the feelings. I was really struggling until I read this:

"I think God gives us a period of numbing as a kind of grace. Perhaps he knows our small minds couldn't handle the full brunt of reality..." from A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

Everything I've been feeling clicked. I am walking through a period of numbness. And instead of fretting over it, I need to accept it as a small gift of grace. Navigating the high emotions of this trial is just too much for my heart and mind... and God knows it. 

I'm praying that our kids are experiencing a form of this grace, too... whether it be a necessary numbness, a lack of awareness of time or an extra-strong sense of love. God knows what they need, too. 

So we continue to put one foot in front of the other, now appreciating the numbness for what is it, and acting like God is telling the truth (even on the days we aren't fully feeling it). He is good to the core. He is faithful. His love in unending. He loves these kids even more than we do. He is a father to the fatherless. 

Voice

We've been holding back from saying much about the hard place we’re walking through… Talking about it turns into venting about it… which moves my focus (and mood!) downward. I’m doing everything I can to keep my focus upward. That’s the only way I can remain hopeful, faithful and trusting… let alone sane!

We’re kind of living a dichotomy. These kids emotionally feel a part of our family and are legally part of our family BUT we can't physically be together like a family. They have what they need to leave their birth country, but they can't enter our home country until they have the necessary paperwork.

We've been networking and advocating within the system, only to be discouraged by the bureaucracy and by the way the kids are referred to as merely a "case." We fully expected to have no voice in the adoption process when working with the government of our kids' birth country. However, when we moved into the stage of dealing with our own government, we assumed we would have a voice... We were wrong to make that assumption and feel pretty disheartened. 

(I will pause to say we recently met a woman who has shown more empathy and desire to help than anyone else we've encountered. We're truly appreciative of her and are hopeful she's the person who will be able to successfully advocate for our children!)

I've been spending a lot of time dwelling on this idea of having no voice... the perceived injustice of it... and I've been reminding myself that the one place where I DO have a voice, and always will, is with God. He hears me. He listens. He acts. It's difficult to remember that when I'm not seeing my big desire fulfilled in what I would consider a timely fashion... but it hit me today that I AM seeing God respond to many specific needs I voice to Him...

... The family that donated to our adoption fund multiple times this year, when we weren't proactively speaking of that need. When I thanked her, she said, "God told me that this was how I should encourage you."

... The neighbor that recently brought me an index card with a handwritten scripture because she prayed and felt like God led her to give me that message. And they were the exact words I needed to hear.

...The friend who saw me the other night and just said, "I see your heaviness" and gave me a hug. So small, but I was feeling invisible and walking through especially tough day.

These are just three tiny examples, but they are specifically meaningful to me because they came from people I don't see often, people who don't know the ins and outs of our daily trials. They didn't know I had voiced a need to God... and they didn't realize He was using them to meet those needs!

Please hold us in your prayers! We're approaching our son's birthday... days of significance, like birthdays, are especially difficult for all of us...

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying." - Romans 12:12

Keep a Good Memory

I keep a running document on our computer titled “What God Has Done”. I add bullet points to the list when I feel especially blessed. I don't ever want to forget those moments!

There are times when I’m just feeling distance from God and wondering why in the world He has me where I am…  That’s when I open up the document. When I look back and see all that He has done on my behalf, I’m reminded that He isn’t finished with me. The God who did all of those things in the past is the same, faithful God who is continuing to work for the good of those who love Him right now… even when I don’t see Him or feel Him.

In looking back, it hit me that I never blogged about one of our key moments when the adoption was being finalized last fall. So let me share!

We had traveled overseas for a court date – the expectation was that we would meet with a judge who would finalize the adoptions. We planned on a week-long trip, thinking that had enough contingency time if the court session was prolonged in some way.

Day One – no ruling

Day Two – no ruling

Day Three – no ruling… and so on.   

The sessions were only partially in English and we were never directly addressed. So it was a bit confusing and definitely frustrating.  After a week, Chad had to return to the States. I stayed on indefinitely, praying for everything to come together.

Coloring during our long waits at the court house. 

On our fourth appearance before the judge, he became agitated with one of the testimonies. There was miscommunication on a city of birth and this woman’s verbal responses didn’t match her documentation. She couldn’t read, so she was never aware of the misprint on the paperwork. It was a heated, circular conversation in the judge’s chambers. He abruptly stopped the session, sent us away and said he’d make a decision the next day.  

So I’m basically pacing a hotel room for 24 hours, praying for this judge to graciously grant the adoption and give these kids a family… I get a call the next morning that the judge is ready to rule and is expecting myself, the children and all witnesses from the past 2 weeks to be in attendance immediately. I FREAKED. The kids were not with me – and everyone else was at least an hour’s drive away. None of us were aware that we were required in court!

My facilitator came squealing into the hotel parking lot to pick me up and rush to the courthouse. We were alone, ill prepared and so anxious! As we ran up the court house steps, my attorney came walking out of the judge’s chambers calm and smiling. The adoption had been granted.

The attorney had been discussing the paperwork discrepancy with the judge, and felt an urge to check his own identification card. When he pulled out his card, he saw that it, too, had a misprint regarding his place of birth. He had never before noticed the error and convinced the judge that these misprints must not be uncommon and should definitely not hold the children back from their future. The judge agreed.

How absolutely crazy is that? A miracle to claim as our own.

I will NEVER forget sitting in the facilitator’s car a few moments later. He hit play on a worship CD and I bawled. Such awe. Such relief. Remembering that now as we wait, expectantly, for what we hope is another moment of relief in the near future. 

Since before time began no one has ever imagined, no ear heard, no eye seen, a God like you who works for those who wait for him. You meet those who happily do what is right, who keep a good memory of the way you work... Isaiah 64:4-5 MSG

Still Processing

No updates.

I’ll be honest – I’m walking through a lot of my days a blink away from tears… But even in that place, I feel God’s peace. Some days I’m too distracted to dig deep and draw upon it – those are the hard ones. But most days, I do. I'm just pushing through, funneling my energy into gratitude and focusing on others… That always puts it all in perspective!  

Please pray that our kids are also feeling peace in their sweet little hearts and minds. I wish they knew how often we think of them and how badly I want to give them hugs! 

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.           Psalm 29:11

The fear of the Lord leads to life; then one rests content, untouched by trouble.     Proverbs 19:23

Transitions

Quick update: We’re still waiting to receive the kids’ visas. Once the visas are processed, we can make the final trip to bring them into our home.

 

In the mean time, there’s some nesting going on! I’ve got rooms ready, closets stocked, 4 toothbrushes in the kids’ bathroom… I’m keenly aware that there is about to be a flutter of activity, but for a few more days and weeks we have calm. I’m remembering another time with similar feelings: the night before my scheduled induction for Cora.

It was supposed to be a time of excitement. We were on the brink of what we had been waiting for… but my happiness was pushed aside by apprehension. What in the world had we done? Life seemed good as a family of three. We were about to shake things up. What were we thinking??? J I cried myself to sleep that night and then woke up the next morning composed – feeling excited and confident. And now I look back and think, “How boring would our family be without Cora?!”

My experience has been that all of the planning, reading and researching I do gives me invaluable knowledge… but doesn’t actually prepare me for the reality of whatever change I’m going through. The emotional side of transition can’t be tempered – and is draining!  

I’ve now done the planning for our transition from adoption to raising these kids. I’ve read, watched, researched, asked and listened… I’m as ready as I can be, but don’t feel ready at all! I’ve been thinking a lot about what the transition phase is going to look like for us – and I honestly don’t know. There are so many unknowns that we’ll see play out. But we do know a few things:

-       Bonding with these kids is going to be top priority. We were able to bond with Cora and Asher while they were infants – we have met every single one of their needs day in and day out since before they were even born… But creating a sense of trust and attachment with our new kids will look different. They are coming to us from a place of loss. We want to be incredibly sensitive to where they are and what they feel… so that over time we can build attachment.  

-       We’re going to emphasize boundaries. I can’t even imagine how overwhelmed they will feel. Everything is going to be new and different – their physical environment, climate, language, culture, food. The stimulation will be overwhelming and exhausting. We’re going to stay home way more than usual (which will be a challenge!). We’re going to limit the people that come into our house. We’re going to be sticklers for a schedule. All in an attempt to minimize their chaos.

-       We will physically model family. Even bigger than learning about their new environment will be learning about relationships. They have had many changes in parental figures and caregivers over the course of their lives. There has not been consistency. While we can tell them about love and family, it’ll just be words to them. We need to show them… by being the ones to hold them, hug them, feed them, etc. We want them to see within our nuclear family they are safe and they will have their needs met. Once they have a healthy bond with us, we can extend it to other relationships.

I’m picturing us going into a cocoon of sorts! And emerging as a full fledged family of six! J

Be strong and have strength of heart. Do not be afraid... the Lord your God is the One Who goes with you. He will be faithful to you. He will not leave you.”

2 Timothy 1:7 (NLV)

Continued Prayer Requests:

- Pray that the Embassy feels a sense of urgency in processing these visas

- Pray for all four of the kids... that their hearts and minds be prepared, as much as possible, for the upcoming changes our family will experience. It’s going to be both amazing and difficult on all of us in different ways!