Seeing Clearly

I'm the exact opposite of a procrastinator. I get an idea and I want to just run with it. No waiting. No postponing. Immediate gratification. (This is why you can find me at Hobby Lobby multiple times in one day… I get an idea and immediately run up the street to grab supplies so I can get started!)

In the adoption realm, I feel content waiting for a period of time… and then I hit a patch of restlessness. My impatience leads me to thinking maybe I can act in some way. I can circumvent the wait. There has to be something I can do… Surely, I can take control of this… So I start re-reading, re-researching, inquiring here and there… searching for something that can be done to speed up this process.

But the more I try to maneuver, the more frustrated I get. I try to go this way, and remember we looked into that before and there was a catch. I look into another direction and realize it’s a dead-end. I read and read and read. I zig zag through ideas, websites, contacts… and I exhaust myself. It is mentally and emotionally draining.

And then I come to a place where I see clearly again. Yes, I temporarily lost sign of the big picture, but it's within my vision again… 

This is not our family’s adoption story. This is God’s adoption journey that He is entrusting to our family. It’s HIS children in Africa that He loves. It’s HIS all-knowing nature that is already preparing us (our family and those children) for one another. It’s HIS timing. I can’t speed that up. I wouldn’t want to – because I know that HIS gifts are GOOD. And those good gifts are HIS idea of good, not mine. So it’s all going to come together in a way that’s bigger and more beautiful than I can even imagine…  

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

(Kind of like our marriage. A gift that was more than I could have even imagined! Happy 10 years, Chad! J)

Then...

...and now.

Empowered to Connect

I went to the “Empowered to Connect” conference that I told you all about… and LOVED it! 

I learned so much! I'm so grateful for the opportunity. And so glad I didn’t let my fear of getting re-excited about the adoption (because it could cause an emotional crash!) keep me from attending. The weekend was so refreshing… because it wasn’t necessarily about adopting… It was about how to connect with and parent kids from all kinds of backgrounds.

And I was reminded… that’s really what this is all about. The adoption journey is short term, but becoming a family is long term. We don’t love the adoption process. (Seriously, it’s pretty rough. I'd say I detest it at the moment.) We DO love being a family and parenting. That’s the good stuff! 

Ups and Downs

I have been up and down in terms of my mental preparation for our adoption. In the beginning, I read books about adoption and Ethiopia non-stop. The positive stories had me uplifted, excited, encouraged… and also impatient. :) The negative stories brought fear, concern, and a desire to educate myself more and more.

Blogs are also great! They are sweet glimpses into other families with similar values, beliefs and passions… and the little nuggets of information that I glean will one day be priceless. But the blog comments? Oh my! They can be SO NEGATIVE! Just downright mean-spirited, hurtful, depressing, bigoted, etc. Reading the comments is sort of like the instinct to stare while passing a car wreck… I just keep scrolling down the page, knowing the comments are horrific but I can’t stop reading. Wow, does it get me worked up!  

After months of tunnel-vision in my reading, I had to take a break because it was overwhelming my thoughts. I knew it couldn't possibly be healthy to live in that all-consuming state of mind. (And poor Chad! He came home to some crazy moods swings related to my reading-binges!) So I shelved the reading (because it is never-ending if you allow yourself to keep going) to focus on where we are now... The fun stages with our kids that come and go so quickly. The priceless one-on-one time with Chad. The time and energy that we have to be available to others. This is a great period for us!

Here’s my confession: By concentrating on the present and minimizing my focus on the adoption, I have allowed myself to go into a self-preservation mode… Because the wait is hard! My thinking has been, "If I'm not reading about it and getting excited about it, then I won't feel as discouraged with the wait, right?!" But I’m about to come out of my little place of denial to go to an adoption conference next weekend. I've been fearful that I will come home disheartened. I almost turned down the opportunity to attend because I know I will get so excited and energized while I am there… and I’m going to come home to more waiting. Ugh.

Side Note: This is the author I'm going
to see speak next weekend...Loved her book! Check it out!

Then this morning, God laid something on my heart: It's not about MY wait. Our future child(ren) are waiting in much worse circumstance… While I can enjoy my present, they are living out a loss in theirs. And those sweet little heads may not yet know hope... So I am going to ride the ups and downs of the wait without spending all this energy trying to guard my heart. I can take it - because my God is my strength.

Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Philippians 4:13 (The Message)