I miss blogging! It was therapeutic to me and sharing our experiences gave me a sense of purpose when we were stuck in the stagnant waiting period of international adoption. However, over the past three years, I haven’t had the mental bandwidth to process my thoughts wholeheartedly, let alone blog about them.
I’m still not there, so don’t expect an eloquent post. However, I wanted to re-emerge because this December marks the three year anniversary of bringing James and Esther home to our family. You all walked that road with us - encouraged us, prayed for us, supported us. As we look back, our reflections are partly in celebration and partly to just absorb all that God has carried our family through. I know the Facebook photos look rosy, but that’s not real life. I’ve never been a fan of small talk or disgenuine chatter, so I feel really compelled to share the reality of the past three years.
The first six months were truly a time of crisis - emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. We had expected many of the challenges, but the intensity of the difficulties and the elevated emotions and behaviors were a challenge to navigate. Our home was no longer a safe place and there wasn’t a clear path forward. It was terrifying... but God protected us and provided for us in clear and tangible ways.
We found help - professionals who truly understood trauma and attachment. We prioritized needs. We recommitted to being consistent, loving, accepting and transparent. We taught the kids that this was an opportunity to come to know God in a deeper way, and He would grow them through it.
And things mellowed… just a bit. We were still tentative, always a bit on edge, but we were no longer drowning. As the months passed, we felt a little more settled, a little less chaotic. It felt like we were regaining the healthy atmosphere we had always valued in our home. Anxieties diminished. Routines were established. Our family had stabilized.
A new normal emerged… and we rested in it for quite a while. Anything more was not yet possible. There was still so much to resolve and work out, but the energy wasn’t there. Mere stability was enough. We came to recognize that our mission field was inside of our home, which is exhausting but also an ever-present testimony of God’s faithfulness.
These phases were challenging each in their own way and incredibly isolating. That being said, there is a piece of wisdom that I am reminded of daily that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Love and faith are ACTIONS. They aren't mere feelings or sentiments. They don’t come and go on a whim. You don’t need to be feeling love and faith to demonstrate love and faith. They are a choice that we should be making every day as followers of Christ.
We’ve made that choice. We continue to make that choice on even the most difficult days… and we have no doubt God blesses that choice abundantly.
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