Ups and Downs

I have been up and down in terms of my mental preparation for our adoption. In the beginning, I read books about adoption and Ethiopia non-stop. The positive stories had me uplifted, excited, encouraged… and also impatient. :) The negative stories brought fear, concern, and a desire to educate myself more and more.

Blogs are also great! They are sweet glimpses into other families with similar values, beliefs and passions… and the little nuggets of information that I glean will one day be priceless. But the blog comments? Oh my! They can be SO NEGATIVE! Just downright mean-spirited, hurtful, depressing, bigoted, etc. Reading the comments is sort of like the instinct to stare while passing a car wreck… I just keep scrolling down the page, knowing the comments are horrific but I can’t stop reading. Wow, does it get me worked up!  

After months of tunnel-vision in my reading, I had to take a break because it was overwhelming my thoughts. I knew it couldn't possibly be healthy to live in that all-consuming state of mind. (And poor Chad! He came home to some crazy moods swings related to my reading-binges!) So I shelved the reading (because it is never-ending if you allow yourself to keep going) to focus on where we are now... The fun stages with our kids that come and go so quickly. The priceless one-on-one time with Chad. The time and energy that we have to be available to others. This is a great period for us!

Here’s my confession: By concentrating on the present and minimizing my focus on the adoption, I have allowed myself to go into a self-preservation mode… Because the wait is hard! My thinking has been, "If I'm not reading about it and getting excited about it, then I won't feel as discouraged with the wait, right?!" But I’m about to come out of my little place of denial to go to an adoption conference next weekend. I've been fearful that I will come home disheartened. I almost turned down the opportunity to attend because I know I will get so excited and energized while I am there… and I’m going to come home to more waiting. Ugh.

Side Note: This is the author I'm going
to see speak next weekend...Loved her book! Check it out!

Then this morning, God laid something on my heart: It's not about MY wait. Our future child(ren) are waiting in much worse circumstance… While I can enjoy my present, they are living out a loss in theirs. And those sweet little heads may not yet know hope... So I am going to ride the ups and downs of the wait without spending all this energy trying to guard my heart. I can take it - because my God is my strength.

Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Philippians 4:13 (The Message)