Love in Action

So it's hit me that this is no longer my "adoption" blog. That journey has ended. We're just a family now. A family with some differences, adjustments, challenges and quirks... but isn't that every family?! 

Thank you for walking with us. We appreciate your thoughts, prayers, concern and encouragement more than you know. Most of all, thank you for celebrating with us that there are two less orphans in the world! If there's anything that we hope you've learned with us through this process, it's that love is an action word. :)

And we believe the greatest example of love in action is God sending his son to this Earth to be our Savior. So Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

2018

2017... What a difference a year makes!

But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children. Galatians 4:4-5

All Your Promises

We're coming up on the one year anniversary of James and Esther coming home with us. In some ways time flies, in other ways, this was by far the longest year of our lives. The milestones were many, both big and small. So many, that it became easy to overlook the growth happening every day in our home.

As we look back, it’s overwhelming on so many levels and difficult to even know where to start in summing it all up. You see the cutesy Facebook posts and photos – these kids are energetic and resilient. They are transforming before our eyes. It’s such a privilege to have front row seats as their futures unfold.

We continue to not feel comfortable in “publicizing” the struggles we’ve seen this year – I would never want our kids to be embarrassed. It’ll be their story to tell in the future. We have walked through darkness mixed in with the many moments of love, joy, and healing.

The meditation in my mind recently has been one lyric over and over again… “all Your promises are yes and amen.”  I could go on and on about God’s promises and how we’ve seen and felt them this year… but I’ll tap into my love of lists and give you bullet points.

- God will never leave us

Cora's Thanksgiving Project

No matter what the circumstance, we do not need to fear because God will not leave us. My kids have heard this, but this year they felt it and experienced it. It’s a truth they now hold dear.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

- God is a refuge

We have needed to retreat this year. We have pulled away from some relationships and commitments, knowing we needed a refuge. And God has tangibly been that refuge. I have caught all four of the kids reading their Bible, trying to “feel better” lately. And I so appreciate that they know where to turn from true refreshment. God will not leave us comfortless if we seek Him. 

The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Psalm 9:9
I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you. John 14:18

- God gives us strength, power and wisdom

We have floundered and questioned. We have felt hopeless. But when we felt the most inadequate, we also strangely felt the most equipped because it was clear God was empowering us. 

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. James 1:5
He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Isaiah 40:29

- God protects us and is a light in the darkness

We have needed physical protection at times. We have had more “near misses” than I can count. But we walked away with minor inflictions every single time. I can’t stress enough how strongly we have felt and clung to God’s protection. 

Night times were incredibly difficult and escalated for many months. The week the kids’ spent at Royal Family Kids Camp was a transformation in many ways… and one of the biggest changes was when God’s truth sunk in that He is light. Nights are peaceful in our house now – and the lights are off!

But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3

God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. 1 John 1:5

- God meets our needs

He has met our needs over and over again, often times before we even voiced them. But even more so, He has graciously given us more than what we need. And we are so incredibly grateful. 

The biggest example? We’ve been feeling a shift in our home. It feels like we are transitioning from “surviving” to what is becoming “thriving.” We are seeing so many positive transformations – in bonding, learning, communicating, self awareness, etc. We wanted to celebrate that and turn the page in a way. And do you know how we’re going to do it? In Disney World! An absolutely wonderful non-profit, Adventure is Out There (adventure.ngo), is sending our family to Disney for what they call “a nurturing experience”, a.k.a. total craziness and a ton of family bonding. We can’t wait!!!

For all of God's promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding "Yes!" And through Christ, our "Amen" (which means "Yes") ascends to God for his glory. 2 Cor. 1:20

Living Out Life Lessons

You know when you read a book and something resonates with you as a bit of “good information.” It makes sense – it’s a clear, concise, important bit of knowledge that you store, knowing one day you may have to apply it.

And then that day comes. You’re living out something you previously only read about – so it’s no longer just intellectual, it’s now REAL on a new level. You realize that the information you had was good. It was true, right and applicable… but you didn’t know the depth of it and couldn’t truly understand it until you were actually living it yourself.

That’s where we are these days. Some of the lessons we’re living in our house are…

- “All you need is love” isn’t quite true when you’re piecing a family together through adoption. You need patience, structure, nurture, understanding, mercy, faith and so much more! 

- Wounds from abandonment run deep. Responses and reactions are multi-layered. Cries are guttural. Emotions have a profound intensity. As a parent watching and loving, there are often no words – just your presence and prayers.  

- Felt security is a long-term process. Physically being protected and surrounded by people who are loving doesn’t guarantee that you truly FEEL secure. Felt security will hopefully develop over time through consistency and focus on attachment. Emotional security will hopefully also grow to a point where emotions are not so easily disturbed and distressed. But these things can't be rushed or forced.  

- “I don’t know” is a real and acceptable answer. I don’t know because I don’t remember… I don’t know why I did XYZ because the urges I feel are stronger than my impulse control… I don’t know because my brain flips to an innate survival mode. It literally freezes… I don’t know because I am overwhelmed and stuck in sensory overload… I don’t know because I have so many fear-based behaviors that I can’t even pinpoint my exact fears… I don’t know what to do – but thank God I don’t need to know all of the answers! 

- Nurturing can truly fill in developmental gaps and literally rewire the brain. We are following the TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) model in our home, which ties into parenting kids from hard places with a connected and attachment-focused approach. It’s simple in theory, but so hard to implement some days. It feels weird at times. I often have to make myself do the opposite of what comes to mind as a traditional parent. But we are seeing them progress through missed developmental stages in amazing ways. When we step back to look at how far we've come in only 10 months, It almost feels like we're watching home videos of developmental progress on fast forward. Truly amazing.  

- We have a gracious God who will walk with us through anything and never leave us. He uses us and our shortcomings to do things that are only possible with His strength, power, love and forgiveness.

Kindness is Countagious

Can I tell you the tale of the Kindness Jar?

When school got out, we had about a week of bliss... and then the bickering began. I am confident you all have lived this too. It's the timeless story of summertime siblings. 

I found myself in this cycle of only saying negative or corrective things - stop. don't. redo. no. It was a spiral downward. I kept thinking I need to turn this around somehow... but really, they just need to stop! :)

Could I bribe them? No, I refused to bribe my kids to be kind to one another. 

After another day of negativity,  I reconsidered - should I bribe them? No. I will not pay my kids to be kind!

Another day of negativity. A moment of desperation... Enter the little fishbowl that I found in our attic. It used to be a reward system for toddler-aged Asher and Cora. I actually tried to give it away when I was cleaning stuff out, but the people who said they wanted it never picked it up... It's like God knew I still needed that fish bowl!

I assigned everyone a colored ball. If I caught someone doing something kind, their colored ball went in the jar. At the end of the week, we'd cash out for a quarter per ball. 

Weeks 1-2... I rewarded every. little. thing. It started out pretty self-centered. "Look, mom, did you see that I just did? Do I get a ball for that minuscule act of kindness I just performed?" 

Week 3... I raised the bar. Only larger, selfless acts of kindness earned a ball. It became a fun challenge.

Week 4... I no longer needed to initiate the rewards. The conversations transitioned to "Mom, so and so deserves a ball. They just did XYZ." This was better than expected - they were becoming so focused beyond themselves they wanted to make sure others earned balls! 

Week 5+... No balls needed. The jar is sitting in our kitchen and the kids aren't asking to cash out. Everyone is just flat out being kind to one another. Woo hoo!! 

May contagious kindness roll into the upcoming school year... 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

  

Princess Esther

We had the privilege of sending James and Esther to Royal Family Kids Camp last week. It’s a sleepaway camp for children from hard places that gives the kids a TON of positive attention. The “cousins” at camp truly sow into these kids - they see their potential and claim God's promises for these kids. James and Esther were glowing when I picked them up. It was just amazing.

When they came home after being away for a few days, it gave me a chance to look at them with fresh eyes… in less than 9 months, God has transformed these kids in so many BIG ways, but sometimes we don’t notice because the changes are so gradual in our day to day life.

So I wanted to take a minute to give you an example with Esther…

When Esther first joined our family, she did not feel pretty. She refused to wear dresses and would ask me to give her “ugly” clothes. She yelled and cried if I used adjectives like “beautiful.” She wouldn’t look in the mirror. She tore out her hair whenever she felt especially upset. Oh, the wild and crazy stories I could tell you about the 12 hours leading up to the "picture perfect" moment in the photo below (from our holiday tea party at the Jefferson)!! 

Fast forward a few months… to where she started to feel more loved and secure. She didn’t argue with us quite as much when we complimented her. She started to enjoy “hair days” when I style her hair. She discovered that she did, in fact, like fancy things. So much so, she went to the arcade totally decked out, high heels and all.

Fast forward, again, to last week. She had an air of confidence and grace. She glided through camp in a big ball gown, twirling and dancing for everyone. She had the courage to perform a dance in a variety show. And she came home, proclaiming her role as a princess in God’s kingdom. 

She is still shy in accepting compliments. She may look the other way, but you'll notice a little grin and know that your words are sinking in. She has questions about her race, her hair type, her size, etc., but she can now verbalize them and gains a stronger sense of self after each of our chats. She has confident days and insecure days (just like the rest of us)! But the overriding theme is that she's coming into herself. She is getting comfortable in who God created her to be. She can mentally grasp that she is highly valued, even if she doesn't always feel it or believe it.   

This is just one of hundreds of changes we are witnessing in our kids. It is so incredibly precious to observe this growth and God's transformative power. We can't wait to see how she continues to grow in her self-esteem as God's (and our) precious daughter!

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."

"... Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

I couldn't leave Beautiful Cora out of our photo shoot! 

Sum-Sum-Summertime

I'll admit it. I haven't quite been looking forward to school getting out. Given the chance, I'll always prefer structure over a lack-there-of... so the wide-open summer is daunting. So daunting that I can't not put some form of structure around it!

Summer Survival Plan :)

I've been memorizing the serenity prayer. And I've been having flashbacks to what I only half-jokingly refer to as the "dark" summer of 2011. That was the summer when I tried to balance working from home while caring for a baby and a three-year-old. Cora NEVER slept. And Chad was on a 24/7 work assignment.

I've been anxious about the summer for two main reasons... 

One, structure has served us well over the past few months. Our new kids feel safest and most calm when there are clear transitions and well-known expectations. Any "outside the box" activity tends to end with a meltdown on some level - and it can take days to recover and re-establish ourselves.

Two, this connected, attachment based parenting that we're proactively using to best support our family is emotionally exhausting. I am so glad I have training in it... I believe in it... I see the amazing growth in James and Esther... And I am so grateful for a support system of other adoptive parents who understand it (because sometimes it seems counter-productive from the outside looking in)... but it is TIRING and requires me to just push beyond the boundaries that are comfortable to me, personally. 

That being said, it hit me yesterday that I need to let go of this anxiety and go into the summer expecting God to do amazing things. This will be a summer of a ton of fun firsts. This will be the summer when deep bonds are forged. This will be a summer of new independences. This will be the summer when we experience even more of God's blessings. I'm ready!

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith. Galatians 6:9-10 (MSG)

Narratives

I’ve taken a bit of a blogging hiatus… there’s so much we’re experiencing and learning every single day. But so much of it doesn’t feel like “mine” to share because it would be voicing things that are personal for the kids. That’s not my place. When they’re old enough to own their experiences, they can share or give us permission to share, if they choose.

I'm reading a book called "Braving the Wilderness" and a line has been sticking with me... "Sometimes the most dangerous thing for kids is the silence that allows them to construct their own stories - stories that almost always cast them as alone and unworthy of love and belonging."

That's not really just kids, though, right? I've noticed how often my mind runs from a factual starting point and weaves a story filled with assumptions and jumps. Before I know it, a single fact may have evolved into something more dramatic and not necessarily true! 

One of the ways that we're breaking this "silence" that could breed a negative story is by working with a counselor to create chronological narratives for our kids… to help them put the pieces together in a way that allows them to embrace their stories. It’s not a photo book. It’s not a life book. It’s the individual and unique story of each of their lives. I’ve written them as if they are children’s books – easy language, cutesy clip-art images. Putting it in this format takes a bit of the “edge” off and allows them to digest the story more openly.  

It’s been such a therapeutic process for all of us! It allows us to walk through their life history with them one-on-one. It gives them words and phrases for complex experiences. It allows us to speculate about what emotions they may have felt and gives them the opportunity to own their feelings. It allows us to guide them in drawing lines and conclusions between the past and present (you may feel XYZ when this happens because you remember how you felt the day ABC happened). It’s opened up memories that they may not have thought to share with us otherwise.

The plan was originally to write these narratives for just James and Esther. But we ended up writing them for Asher and Cora, too. I’m so glad we did this! They needed words to put around their experiences, as well, and they also needed help identifying their emotions. It also never hurts to remind them of all the amazing qualities we see in them and that God has big plans for their lives.

We happened to be finishing up the narratives at a time when it feels like life is settling down a bit for all of us. So it’s been a way to look back over the last few months and talk through the challenges we’ve experienced. We have been able to remind everyone that going through a difficult time is not all “bad.” God is stretching us. God is bringing us to a new place where we are pushed outside of our comfort zones and can grow. God is giving us life experience that allows us to have empathy when we have opportunities to help others in the future. If we allow him to, God will work all things for the good of those who love him. 

Such life lessons for little hearts and minds!

 He knows us far better than we know ourselves…That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:28 (MSG)

The Village

We all throw around the saying “it takes a village” while joking about carpools… but seriously it DOES take a village to just get through everyday life, let alone the more challenging times we all face.

I’ve been spending a lot of time sitting in gratitude for our village… Because it has turned out to be far deeper and wider than we could have ever imagined and we are so incredibly grateful!

What does a real, life-giving village look like??? For us, it’s been…

-       Family and friends helping us break through barriers to bring our kids home because they were willing to call and pursue leads with politicians, attorneys, etc.

-       Online chat groups with people I may never meet in person, but who were willing to share their experiences, advice, etc.

-       Adopting without insurmountable debt because our village helped us fundraise

-       Strangers during our travel that paid for meals, bought us gifts, etc.
(Thank you, especially, to the man in the Brussels airport who bought me a box of chocolates and instructed me to hide them in my laundry room for an inevitable rough day… that day came and I ate them all!)

-       Meals delivered to our door for 2+ months so that our time during transition could be prioritized on connecting with our new family

-       Coffee dates and support groups with other adoptive moms… many of whom I just met, but spend hours with, digging in deep

-       Countless carpools, playdates and sleepovers that have helped maintain a sense of normalcy for our bio kids

-       My parents, who have just sat with me so that I wouldn’t be alone when kids endure trauma-related raging

-       Friends who show up at your house, late at night, on 5 minutes notice to take your kids out of the house during emergencies

-       Texts, e-mails, calls of encouragement… and a ton of prayer from friends, church and bible study companions on our behalf behind the scenes

-       A friend showing up at our door with all of the products you need to take care of your new kids’ haircare

-       Bottles of wine dropped on our front porch

-       Forgiveness and grace from other parents when our child makes bad choices that hurt others

-       Teachers going above and beyond in ways I couldn’t foresee to make all four kids feel loved, special and encouraged.

(And I just need to pause here to say, God ordains the people who surprisingly show up in your village! Cora and Esther were assigned a teacher who has personal experience with foster care and kids from trauma backgrounds. James’ teacher has a heart for international kids and was already familiar with Sierra Leone because her church does mission work there. Asher’s teachers have been INCREDIBLE. He gets notes, hugs, lunch dates, etc. It’s been incredible.)

I share all of this because I can’t imagine going through life right now without this village behind us… I’d call out everyone by name, but I’m sure I’d miss someone and feel horrible about the oversight. Relationships like these - this is the good in the world! We can all be a part of someone’s village! (And when our life calms down, I am intent on going back to proactively being a giver, not a receiver, in the villages around me!) 

I thank my God every time I remember you. - Philippians 1:3

Magical

We so often focus on the positive side of adoption – the joy, love, commitment of a “forever family”… The "gain” to our family. But the truth is, adoption is needed because there has been a loss. Adopted kids have endured GREAT loss at a young age. And that loss doesn’t just disappear when they join our family. Their trauma and grief is their history – the place where they grow from. It will surface and resurface over the years to come… just as anyone who has experienced loss understands. It’s a part of their story forever.

In addition to loss through death, James and Esther have said goodbye to their extended families, neighbors, friends, schoolmates, caregivers. They have left their country and birth culture… They have left behind really all that they know.

I say all of this as a sort of response to the comments we get like, “wow, life must be so magical right now!” We understand what you are saying. We appreciate the intent. We know that the words come from a place of support and encouragement… but “magical” it is NOT!

We love these kids. We have fought for them. We celebrate them joining our family. We know that God has big plans for them. We have incredibly beautiful moments with them… and there are incredibly difficult ones, too. I’ve hesitated to say all this because I don’t want to dampen the joy… but it’s the truth. And I feel so incredibly fake when I just smile and nod at the “magical” comments.

That being said, let’s flip back to the adorable, fun, and memorable. Here are just a few random tidbits - maybe "magical" is the right word for this stuff! :)

- Esther is beside herself with joy every time Chad walks into a room. She squeals and squeals!

- Courtesy of "Love is an Open Door" from Frozen, James came up to me singing and said: "Can I say something crazy?" "I like crazy." "I like being your son!" Melt my heart!!!

- A school bus pulled up next to us at a red light one day. Esther gasped and yelled: "OMG! A woman is driving the bus!" I said, "yes, women drive buses in America. Women can have any job they want in America." She just sat there with this giddy and amazed look on her face for the rest of the drive. It was ADORABLE.

- The first time I took James shopping at Target, I kept having to say “no, that’s too expensive” to requests. Every single time he’d throw his hands up and yell “The Lord will provide!”

- 3 months ago, Esther didn't want her hair done, wouldn't wear dresses, said she didn't like anything pretty, screamed "No" if we complimented her, etc. That has changed big-time! She now LOVES getting dressed up! She LOVES the mirror. She swirls and twirls and tells us how pretty she is! 

- James is a soccer star! We knew he liked to mess around and had some fancy footwork... but didn't know how he'd feel in an organized game. His first game was last Saturday. He ran out there and just commanded the field. So much fun to see him in his element!

- Esther calls our master bedroom closet “the store in our house.” LOL

- James told me, “I love my mom because she asks how many chicken nuggets I want and I’m allowed to answer 1-100.” :)

- One of the first times we went to church, James whispered to me, "I've always wanted to be baptized." It has been such a joy to talk with them and listen to their sweet thoughts on God. Their faith runs deep for such a young age... and their prayers have an urgency that you don't sense from other kids who have had more comfortable and consistent early years. So it brought us GREAT joy this past weekend to see James and Esther be water baptized!

The biggest change we've seen over the past few months is just in James' & Esther's social interactions... Their comfort level, ability to adapt, growing imaginations and expanding interests are really amazing to watch unfold. Equally amazing are Asher and Cora as they are stretched well beyond their comfort zone in things like sharing, showing empathy, being leaders, etc. They have both been recognized at school recently for their character and I am just so incredibly proud of them. 

We are blessed!

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. Psalm 28:7

Great Expectations

We’ve been a bit reclusive as we transition into life as a family of six. Thanks to everyone checking in on us and bringing us meals! I’ve only had to cook 2-3 times/week since mid-December. What a blessing! (Especially since our oven broke last week. Yikes!)

Everyone is doing well. In some ways, we had so many expectations, in other ways we really had none. But overall, any and all expectations we dared to hold have been far exceeded… especially in regard to language, education, and most importantly, attachment.

When you think about just the culture change, alone, I’m amazed at how well James and Esther are adjusting. Then you start factoring in the deeper things - their past trauma, their grief in leaving behind everything they knew, etc. - and realize just how much they are processing right now. We are working through a lot of difficult, emotionally challenging stuff. Life in our house is very messy, but the kids’ resilience and God’s goodness just shine through.

The piece you might not expect is that Asher and Cora are going through a period of grief, too. Their former life no longer exists and that’s a lot to take in. Their sweet friends have been so kind in offering encouragement and giving them time to retreat from the chaos of our house. Much gratitude from Chad and I!

When I pray over the kids each night, I am just making a point of thanking God for always being with us and never leaving us. That just seems to be the message all 4 kids (and Chad and I too!) need to remember right now. All other expectations may go to the wayside, but we can have complete confidence in that truth.   

P.S. I’m keeping an ongoing list of the cute, adorable and hilarious things that are being said and done. I’ll be sure to share a few in the future – they will warm your heart!

I didn't catch it on camera, but Esther DID smile this day! ;)

"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6