The Flip Side

A theme in our house lately has been “choosing joy”. We’re trying to help our kids along the path of recognizing their thoughts, taking control of the negative ones and turning them around to something productive or positive… Chad's new teaching point of "only YOU can control your thoughts" rings in our house even after he's left for work each morning. :)

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Philippians 4:8 (Message)

  

As it usually goes, when I try to emphasize a principle with the kids, I start to notice how often I don’t model my own teachings! For instance, am I choosing joyful thoughts as they relate to our adoption wait?

I've come to a place where it's not forefront in my mind on a day-to-day basis. I’ve accepted it, put it in the “it’s out of my control” part of my brain, and don’t dwell. I'm at peace with it each morning... BUT as some days progress it's brought to my attention a few too many times. 

Side note: On a drive last week, Asher spontaneously yelled from the backseat, “I can’t wait to meet my brother. I want it to be NOW! I am so tired of waiting that I’d be OK with meeting my sister first, as long as it could be NOW!” :)

Although in various forms, “when” is the most frequent question we are asked. How much longer til XYZ? When do you expect to know more? How long has it been since you started the process? When will they come home? What is taking so long?? 

I answer the questions and downcast feelings seep in.

So lately I’m trying to practice what I’m preaching to the kids... focusing on the flip side of what appears to be a depressingly long wait. Is there a positive?

Yes! 

I’m seeing it in Asher and Cora. They have had so much time to adjust to this concept that was originally foreign to them. We’ve never had to sit them down with a big awkward “announcement.” This is something that entered into our family’s language years ago and become part of our dialogue. Their questions are being answered, at their own pace when they think to ask them. Changes to their bedrooms, lifestyle, etc. are gradual. We’re not rushed in making preparations, so we have time to get their input and follow through on their ideas. Their hearts are growing and they’re becoming more and more interested in finding ways to love on and share with others. And probably most importantly, they’re getting to squeak out a little more undivided attention from Chad and I. :)

It warms my heart every time Asher
rips photos off of our fridge and
shows them to people saying,
“this is my brother/sister!”

And it amuses me to no end that
Cora has informed every cashier
in the Midlothian area that
we are buying things for her
sister who lives in Africa.

Careless in the Care of God

I read a statistic recently that has been lingering with me:

• 33% of Americans consider adoption.
• 79% of those are concerned about the costs, the biggest deterrent.
• Less than 2% adopt. (From ABBA Fund website)

How sad! I completely understand that adoption isn’t a choice for every family. (Seriously, some days I wonder what in the world we’re doing shaking up our nice, comfortable life.) But it’s disheartening to know that of those who DO have the desire and passion for adoption, only a small percentage follow through.  

So I just want to put this post out there as a spark of encouragement for any of you who have thought about it and been deterred by the expenses… Yes, it IS expensive. You’ll have sticker shock. You’ll get angry when you think about the principle behind the money (i.e., paying for the privilege of making a lifelong commitment to a likely traumatized child…). The unexpected WILL happen and WILL come with a premium… but it IS doable and SO worth it!!

We started this adoption journey during the time when I transitioned away from working outside out home: 

Financial Commitment to Adoption - one income = craziness??? :)

We felt sure that we were supposed to do both of these things… the combination didn’t make sense mathematically, but it made sense in our hearts. It aligned with the vision we have for our family and lifestyle. Most importantly, it was what God undeniably laid on our hearts… and He has been so faithful to us as we have followed Him!

Since the beginning, God has provided for us in ways we would not have expected. I had kind of forgotten how encouraged we felt until I went back and re-read my previous post about it. J

We’ve fundraised… and been overwhelmed by your support.

We’ve applied for grants… and been grateful recipients.

We’ve sold possessions... and haven’t missed a single one of them.

We’ve made lifestyle changes… cut out cable, limited vacations, hung onto older model cars, stopped our lawn service, started buying second hand, etc… and none of these things seem important now that they’re off our radar.

But more than all of that, we are living under God’s blessing. One of the areas we did NOT cut was our tithe and charitable giving… and there’s no way to measure how God blesses that. It comes to us in ways that seem like happenstance or “lucky”, but to add up the sheer volume of these “coincidences” attests to it NOT being a fluke. And almost always, the financial blessing is correlated to a need that we have.

Latest example: This week we will be paying $1200 to cover our kids’ living expenses for the next 6 months in Africa. (Yes, you read that right. It is only $100/month to shelter, feed, clothe and education one child. $100. I can think of a long list of things I’ve spent $100 on that are nowhere near as significant.) Yesterday we received a refund on our mortgage and a note that our monthly payment is decreasing. The EXACT amount of the change? $1200. Perfect!

The school our kids will be attending...

  

Of all of our concerns and anticipated challenges related to this adoption, the financial worries are lowest on our list. The money works itself out every time… but what is more significant to us than the actual dollar amounts is the timing and manner in which our provision comes. God is showing us again and again how much we matter to Him... and we can rest careless in His care...

 “You can’t worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you’ll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can’t worship God and Money both. If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.” Matthew 6:24-26

Blessed Beyond Words

Although we've been waiting for years, it feels as if the real journey has just begun! I spent last week in Africa, on my first official adoption trip. It was my opportunity to meet our children and initiate the paperwork process for the adoption. It feels so real now!

I've been putting off blogging about it because I'm just without words... I've been letting things simmer as I process my thoughts and experiences... Days later I STILL feel at a loss for adequate words. It was just such a deep and meaningful experience. I came home each night to my hotel room and just sobbed to release the overwhelming, conflicting emotions of joy, gratitude and heartbreak.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory... throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV)

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! Ephesians 3:20 (Message)

So while I'm still fumbling for words, I want to just share that God exceeded all expectations I had for this trip. I had asked a group of friends to pray for three specific desires that were on my heart as I prepared for the journey... 

The first was for safe and healthy travels... 
I stayed healthy through the entire trip. Not a single problem, which is pretty amazing considering the whirlwind travel schedule, exotic food, potential for disease, etc. I haven't even had a hint of jet lag! Throughout the week our group did encounter stressful experiences, one in particular was downright frightening, but I felt so calm and confident in God the entire time. Such a peace. It was amazing... (Side note: On my initial flight I was seated next to an aid worker with personal international adoption experience. What are the chances? Chatting with her was so informative, reassuring and encouraging. Thank you, God!)

The second prayer request was to have a supernatural connection with these kids... 
Here's where I start tearing up and grasping for words... I went into this introduction knowing little and scared to expect too much. Do they speak English? Has someone prepared them to meet me? Do they understand? Will they come to me? Will they let me touch them?

Our little girl walked into the room looking so scared... but she came straight to me. She let me hold her hands. She sat on my lap, slowly released her tension and just sunk back into me... No words! Then our boy walked into the room, called out "mama" and walked right into my arms. Seriously, NO WORDS!

I had hoped I would feel connected to them by the end of the trip... I had no idea that connection could be so immediate. Even more exciting was their connection to Asher and Cora. They couldn't stop looking at their photos. They asked about "brother" and "sister" over and over again. So sweet! 

We played, sang songs, teased, ate, colored, held hands, cuddled. I became acquainted with their sweet little personalities. It was truly awesome. (And leaving them was truly painful, but I won't dwell there.) 

The last prayer request was for the opportunity to shine light into the lives of birth families... 
While I was experiencing joy to meet the kids, I was fully aware that on the other side are families who have experienced hurt, loss and despair in ways I can't relate to. I wanted to be respectful to them and bring light to them... I ended up having the gift of three full days with them. I sat with them for hours each day... Communication was limited due to language, but just being in one another's presence for solid time felt so meaningful. I met aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. I spoke with them, hugged them, photographed them. The family history I was able to gather and the pictures that our kids will now have are priceless. PRICELESS.

In addition to their current caregivers, I was able to meet the team of people who will be caring for them and educating them over the upcoming months. I was blown away. Their love of Jesus and dedication to children is inspirational. My kids are going to be so blessed by them! 

   

Being Known

Yep, that was me crying in Target yesterday… 

The day started off at a refreshing coffee date with my dear girl-friends who are also walking adoption journeys… They were letting me share all of the details about our referral and upcoming trip… while also sympathizing with paperwork, deadlines, travel details, etc. I was proud of myself for feeling all calm, cool and collect. I’ve been keeping my expectations in check, trusting the process, just moving forward with faith…

And then I casually swung by the store to grab some clothes for the new kids… What styles are appropriate for their current culture? What size should I get? Would he prefer athletic clothes like Asher? Would a t-shirt with a tag irritate his neck? Will she look beautiful in purple? Why can’t I find a top with a character who is not white? Could she grow into this dress or would she rather have something that fits perfectly?

And then I turned into a blubbering mess…. Not out of unhappiness. I am so happy and joyful! (Which I had to explain to Chad because he still associates crying with sadness after 10+ years of marriage. Maybe after 10 more he'll understand that there are so many other emotions that lead to crying! J) 

I’m just ready to KNOW them… all of their unique characteristics and quirks. Their history. Their challenges. I'm preparing a list of questions with the mission of asking everyone I meet what they remember... because I want to piece together as much of the puzzle as possible for these kids. I want to have answers when they have questions. 

Even more so, I want them to feel known and loved… they may not be getting that right now from their caregivers, but I believe God’s whispering to them in His own way… and we’ll get to speak it to them soon!

Positivity

Guarded optimism… That’s how I would describe where we are on the journey as of now…

We have (another) referral!! YEAH!! A little boy and girl were seeded in our hearts last week.

So here’s the thing… one of the first steps along the path of adoption is a home study. Part of that process is setting parameters for your adoption. It may be ages, genders, special needs, specific risk factors, etc. We were particularly concerned about age - and committed to not adopting a child who was older than Asher (he was five at the time). We didn’t want to shake up the birth order of our biological children – and Asher’s role as the “oldest” is important to him. We also had no idea what to expect with a child older than 5 – we hadn’t yet walked that path! 

So our home study reads "under 5" and I’ve been planning for that age range for the last two years… playing through all of the potential joys, challenges, scenarios of adopting a pre-school aged child... and more recently I started travelling down the path of envisioning adopted boys with the last referral... 

The thing with being given a choice is, I thought I actually had a choice. I thought it was my decision. I thought I had a level of control to keep things inside my comfort zone… and yet again, and again, I am reminded that this process is bigger than us and totally out of our control!  More important to us than these plans, is staying faithful to God and where HE leads us, even if it’s not what we envisioned…

I say all of this because God is most definitely leading us to a place outside of our comfort zone… while also keeping us just inside of the boundary that would push me to complete madness!

The boy who was referred to us is about to turn 7. Seven! Not what we planned for… but exactly a month younger than Asher… The little girl referred to us was originally said to be about 1. I was stressing about adopting a 1 year old and a 7 year old together – that just seemed like we’d be pulled in two totally different directions with the needs they would each have… and then we got a call that she is actually 5. Five! She’s just a bit older than Cora.

God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. Job 37:5

So if this all goes to plan, we’ll have two new kids sandwiched between our current kids… and they’ll each have a playmate for life! We are so excited!! J

So with this comes a few prayer requests…

(1)  I am scheduled to travel soon. PRAY that this trip happens, and happens safely!

(2)  While in Africa, I’ll meet the kids and their current caregivers… pray that we find a way to connect and bond! Pray that I can be a light to not only these kids, but also whoever is currently caring for them.

(3)  I really am freaking out about the kids’ ages. We have been open in so many other areas as to who we could adopt, but age was the one thing we put real constraints around… I always envisioned having time to bond, attach, develop BEFORE school. And these kids will be coming to us already at school age… I am now launching myself into reading and studying how to best help them transition… Pray for my peace of mind so I don’t become overwhelmed!!! (Side note: No more strollers and potty training. Woo hoo!!!)

Higher Ways

The past few weeks have been an opportunity to prioritize faith over feelings… to set my mind on higher things… to take my thoughts captive and focus them on God’s big picture.

It is so easy for all of us to get bogged down in the daily grind… but for me, lately, it’s been all too easy to slip into mental darkness… It starts as acknowledging the loss we feel for the boys that are no longer ours. Our loss. Their loss. It grows to thinking about the conditions orphans endure… the desperate decisions the hungry and impoverished have to make… and then I just spiral down to complete discouragement with this world. The problems. The suffering. The injustices.

I am so grateful for who I am, where I am, what God has entrusted to me. But when I’m in this gloomy emotional state, the things for which I am grateful actually feel negative. Petty concerns. Anxieties born of affluence. First world problems.

Accepting that "our" boys are not going to be adopted by us, or anyone, has felt similar to when I returned home from mission trips in the past... Acknowledgement of perceived unfairness... Reconciliation of such different worlds... Re-entry into the excess... Detachment from what you thought was important before your eyes were opened... I’ve had to learn and am now again re-learning to let God soften my heart so that I’m not pessimistic, critical or judgmental towards myself or others.

The truth is that I can't save every child in this world. But... I CAN have faith in God’s goodness. I CAN trust His higher thoughts & ways. I CAN hold all that I have with open hands. I CAN choose joy and gratitude. He WILL be faithful.  

This remains one of my favorite
photos from a past mission trip...

“I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work,” God’s Decree. 

“For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think. Just as rain and snow descend from the skies and don’t go back until they’ve watered the earth, doing their work of making things grow and blossom, producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,So will the words that come out of my mouth not come back empty-handed. They’ll do the work I sent them to do, they’ll complete the assignment I gave them.” Isaiah 55:8-11

Heart Break

In an attempt to keep this blog real, let me say it has been a really difficult week for us...

We got a call last week that we are NOT able to adopt the two boys that were referred to us. As the process moved through the standard steps, something was discovered that prevents these kids from being eligible for adoption.

It is such a loss. It's amazing how connected to them we had become over the months of thinking about them and praying for them. We had become attached to the idea of these boys and been planning for them to be a part of our family in the short term details and our long term dreams. 

But while we are feeling disappointed, our real sadness is for the boys. Our understanding is that while they are no longer legally eligible for adoption, their circumstance is not changing. That is heart breaking! We are grieving their loss... the loss of their chance for a better future, the loss of their ability to be in a committed family, and so much more. 

I don't want to sound hopeless for them, because the Lord is my hope and He can do absolutely anything and everything for these boys. But in the present, I'm struggling to see that. I fear for them. I mourn for them. I am believing that our short involvement in their lives leads to good... Maybe it brought them to the attention of someone in-country who can be a light and care for them. And I am turning them fully over to God, who is their true Father.