Battle Weary

I am re-surfacing a bit after a month of craziness. For those of you I kind of shut down on, I apologize! It's been a difficult month and I was just trying to get through. Thank you for the space you've given us.

In early August we finally heard back regarding the kids' visas. It was NOT the long awaited approval that we were expecting. And so life became a whirlwind...

We retained an attorney, gathered a team of investigators overseas and just dug in. We're basically reconciling what the US ideally wants to see in terms of documentation versus what is actually available in a third world country that has very limited structure, process and resources.

We never imagined we would be in a fight like this. It's a legal battle with our own government. It's an emotional battle to stay hopeful and not give in to weariness. It's a spiritual battle to always trust that God is fighting for our family. Prayers continue to be appreciated!

“Don’t ever be afraid or discouraged... Be strong and courageous..." Joshua 10:25

"Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so mere people can no longer terrify them." Psalm 10:17-18

Numbing

If you've chatted with me lately, you can attest to the fact that I've been a scatterbrained mess! Forgetful. Disconnected... and not quite able to pinpoint what it is I'm feeling. Thoughts of our sweet kids across the sea are always running through the back of my head. But I can't really entertain detailed thoughts. It's like I'm physically incapable of following the thoughts through - my mind just shuts down. I can't process the feelings. I was really struggling until I read this:

"I think God gives us a period of numbing as a kind of grace. Perhaps he knows our small minds couldn't handle the full brunt of reality..." from A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

Everything I've been feeling clicked. I am walking through a period of numbness. And instead of fretting over it, I need to accept it as a small gift of grace. Navigating the high emotions of this trial is just too much for my heart and mind... and God knows it. 

I'm praying that our kids are experiencing a form of this grace, too... whether it be a necessary numbness, a lack of awareness of time or an extra-strong sense of love. God knows what they need, too. 

So we continue to put one foot in front of the other, now appreciating the numbness for what is it, and acting like God is telling the truth (even on the days we aren't fully feeling it). He is good to the core. He is faithful. His love in unending. He loves these kids even more than we do. He is a father to the fatherless. 

Voice

We've been holding back from saying much about the hard place we’re walking through… Talking about it turns into venting about it… which moves my focus (and mood!) downward. I’m doing everything I can to keep my focus upward. That’s the only way I can remain hopeful, faithful and trusting… let alone sane!

We’re kind of living a dichotomy. These kids emotionally feel a part of our family and are legally part of our family BUT we can't physically be together like a family. They have what they need to leave their birth country, but they can't enter our home country until they have the necessary paperwork.

We've been networking and advocating within the system, only to be discouraged by the bureaucracy and by the way the kids are referred to as merely a "case." We fully expected to have no voice in the adoption process when working with the government of our kids' birth country. However, when we moved into the stage of dealing with our own government, we assumed we would have a voice... We were wrong to make that assumption and feel pretty disheartened. 

(I will pause to say we recently met a woman who has shown more empathy and desire to help than anyone else we've encountered. We're truly appreciative of her and are hopeful she's the person who will be able to successfully advocate for our children!)

I've been spending a lot of time dwelling on this idea of having no voice... the perceived injustice of it... and I've been reminding myself that the one place where I DO have a voice, and always will, is with God. He hears me. He listens. He acts. It's difficult to remember that when I'm not seeing my big desire fulfilled in what I would consider a timely fashion... but it hit me today that I AM seeing God respond to many specific needs I voice to Him...

... The family that donated to our adoption fund multiple times this year, when we weren't proactively speaking of that need. When I thanked her, she said, "God told me that this was how I should encourage you."

... The neighbor that recently brought me an index card with a handwritten scripture because she prayed and felt like God led her to give me that message. And they were the exact words I needed to hear.

...The friend who saw me the other night and just said, "I see your heaviness" and gave me a hug. So small, but I was feeling invisible and walking through especially tough day.

These are just three tiny examples, but they are specifically meaningful to me because they came from people I don't see often, people who don't know the ins and outs of our daily trials. They didn't know I had voiced a need to God... and they didn't realize He was using them to meet those needs!

Please hold us in your prayers! We're approaching our son's birthday... days of significance, like birthdays, are especially difficult for all of us...

"Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying." - Romans 12:12

Keep a Good Memory

I keep a running document on our computer titled “What God Has Done”. I add bullet points to the list when I feel especially blessed. I don't ever want to forget those moments!

There are times when I’m just feeling distance from God and wondering why in the world He has me where I am…  That’s when I open up the document. When I look back and see all that He has done on my behalf, I’m reminded that He isn’t finished with me. The God who did all of those things in the past is the same, faithful God who is continuing to work for the good of those who love Him right now… even when I don’t see Him or feel Him.

In looking back, it hit me that I never blogged about one of our key moments when the adoption was being finalized last fall. So let me share!

We had traveled overseas for a court date – the expectation was that we would meet with a judge who would finalize the adoptions. We planned on a week-long trip, thinking that had enough contingency time if the court session was prolonged in some way.

Day One – no ruling

Day Two – no ruling

Day Three – no ruling… and so on.   

The sessions were only partially in English and we were never directly addressed. So it was a bit confusing and definitely frustrating.  After a week, Chad had to return to the States. I stayed on indefinitely, praying for everything to come together.

Coloring during our long waits at the court house. 

On our fourth appearance before the judge, he became agitated with one of the testimonies. There was miscommunication on a city of birth and this woman’s verbal responses didn’t match her documentation. She couldn’t read, so she was never aware of the misprint on the paperwork. It was a heated, circular conversation in the judge’s chambers. He abruptly stopped the session, sent us away and said he’d make a decision the next day.  

So I’m basically pacing a hotel room for 24 hours, praying for this judge to graciously grant the adoption and give these kids a family… I get a call the next morning that the judge is ready to rule and is expecting myself, the children and all witnesses from the past 2 weeks to be in attendance immediately. I FREAKED. The kids were not with me – and everyone else was at least an hour’s drive away. None of us were aware that we were required in court!

My facilitator came squealing into the hotel parking lot to pick me up and rush to the courthouse. We were alone, ill prepared and so anxious! As we ran up the court house steps, my attorney came walking out of the judge’s chambers calm and smiling. The adoption had been granted.

The attorney had been discussing the paperwork discrepancy with the judge, and felt an urge to check his own identification card. When he pulled out his card, he saw that it, too, had a misprint regarding his place of birth. He had never before noticed the error and convinced the judge that these misprints must not be uncommon and should definitely not hold the children back from their future. The judge agreed.

How absolutely crazy is that? A miracle to claim as our own.

I will NEVER forget sitting in the facilitator’s car a few moments later. He hit play on a worship CD and I bawled. Such awe. Such relief. Remembering that now as we wait, expectantly, for what we hope is another moment of relief in the near future. 

Since before time began no one has ever imagined, no ear heard, no eye seen, a God like you who works for those who wait for him. You meet those who happily do what is right, who keep a good memory of the way you work... Isaiah 64:4-5 MSG

Still Processing

No updates.

I’ll be honest – I’m walking through a lot of my days a blink away from tears… But even in that place, I feel God’s peace. Some days I’m too distracted to dig deep and draw upon it – those are the hard ones. But most days, I do. I'm just pushing through, funneling my energy into gratitude and focusing on others… That always puts it all in perspective!  

Please pray that our kids are also feeling peace in their sweet little hearts and minds. I wish they knew how often we think of them and how badly I want to give them hugs! 

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.           Psalm 29:11

The fear of the Lord leads to life; then one rests content, untouched by trouble.     Proverbs 19:23

Transitions

Quick update: We’re still waiting to receive the kids’ visas. Once the visas are processed, we can make the final trip to bring them into our home.

 

In the mean time, there’s some nesting going on! I’ve got rooms ready, closets stocked, 4 toothbrushes in the kids’ bathroom… I’m keenly aware that there is about to be a flutter of activity, but for a few more days and weeks we have calm. I’m remembering another time with similar feelings: the night before my scheduled induction for Cora.

It was supposed to be a time of excitement. We were on the brink of what we had been waiting for… but my happiness was pushed aside by apprehension. What in the world had we done? Life seemed good as a family of three. We were about to shake things up. What were we thinking??? J I cried myself to sleep that night and then woke up the next morning composed – feeling excited and confident. And now I look back and think, “How boring would our family be without Cora?!”

My experience has been that all of the planning, reading and researching I do gives me invaluable knowledge… but doesn’t actually prepare me for the reality of whatever change I’m going through. The emotional side of transition can’t be tempered – and is draining!  

I’ve now done the planning for our transition from adoption to raising these kids. I’ve read, watched, researched, asked and listened… I’m as ready as I can be, but don’t feel ready at all! I’ve been thinking a lot about what the transition phase is going to look like for us – and I honestly don’t know. There are so many unknowns that we’ll see play out. But we do know a few things:

-       Bonding with these kids is going to be top priority. We were able to bond with Cora and Asher while they were infants – we have met every single one of their needs day in and day out since before they were even born… But creating a sense of trust and attachment with our new kids will look different. They are coming to us from a place of loss. We want to be incredibly sensitive to where they are and what they feel… so that over time we can build attachment.  

-       We’re going to emphasize boundaries. I can’t even imagine how overwhelmed they will feel. Everything is going to be new and different – their physical environment, climate, language, culture, food. The stimulation will be overwhelming and exhausting. We’re going to stay home way more than usual (which will be a challenge!). We’re going to limit the people that come into our house. We’re going to be sticklers for a schedule. All in an attempt to minimize their chaos.

-       We will physically model family. Even bigger than learning about their new environment will be learning about relationships. They have had many changes in parental figures and caregivers over the course of their lives. There has not been consistency. While we can tell them about love and family, it’ll just be words to them. We need to show them… by being the ones to hold them, hug them, feed them, etc. We want them to see within our nuclear family they are safe and they will have their needs met. Once they have a healthy bond with us, we can extend it to other relationships.

I’m picturing us going into a cocoon of sorts! And emerging as a full fledged family of six! J

Be strong and have strength of heart. Do not be afraid... the Lord your God is the One Who goes with you. He will be faithful to you. He will not leave you.”

2 Timothy 1:7 (NLV)

Continued Prayer Requests:

- Pray that the Embassy feels a sense of urgency in processing these visas

- Pray for all four of the kids... that their hearts and minds be prepared, as much as possible, for the upcoming changes our family will experience. It’s going to be both amazing and difficult on all of us in different ways! 

Clinging

Thank you to everyone who has been sharing hopes of our family being together for Christmas. Unfortunately, this is not going to be the year that we're united for the holidays. We're disappointed by the circumstances, but continue to feel encouraged through faith and supportive friends and family! 

The message that God has been whispering to me over and over again throughout this entire adoption process is “Do you trust me?” It’s crazy how many different ways that one thought can manifest itself…

"Do you trust me?"

Because I, God, am in control – not the agencies, attorneys, government officials, judges, etc.

"Do you trust me?"

Because you could just be still and know that it’s ME fighting these battles for you.

"Do you trust me?"

Because if you allow yourself to, you will experience peace within these unknowns.

"Do you trust me?"

Because if so, you’ll realize these children are MINE and I love them and care for them even more than you do.

And here’s where I was called out today:

"Do you trust ME?"

Because you’re holding onto every single detail so tightly that I’m getting the impression you don’t!!!

So I’m asking myself: Am I using this process as a walk of faith… as opportunity to draw closer to God? Or am I walking through as if it's a plan that I, myself, need to carry out? If I cling to details and try to stake claim on things (this is my family, my process, my kids) then I’m acting like this is all within my control - like my plan supersedes God's. Not so!

Experience a season of BELIEVING with us!
Merry Christmas!

And as Christmas is approaching, I’m thinking about the people 2,000 years ago who likely also made the mistake of clinging to the details… The people who clung to their own notions of what their king would be… Years after Jesus' birth they may have looked back, heard the story of how God used a baby to redeem the world, and THEN believed… But they missed out on the opportunity to believe in the present... and actually experience the story as it unfolded... and witness God in action. 

I don’t want to make that mistake in my present! Are you with me?! :) Merry Christmas! 

"Rejoice, O people! Shout in triumph, O people!Look, your king is coming to you. He is righteous and victorious, yet he is humble, riding on a donkey—riding on a donkey’s colt." Zechariah 9:9

For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. His government and its peace will never end. He will rule with fairness and justice from the throne of his ancestor David for all eternity. Isaiah 9:6-7