Love & Faith (Update Part 1)

I miss blogging! It was therapeutic to me and sharing our experiences gave me a sense of purpose when we were stuck in the stagnant waiting period of international adoption. However, over the past three years, I haven’t had the mental bandwidth to process my thoughts wholeheartedly, let alone blog about them. 

I’m still not there, so don’t expect an eloquent post. However, I wanted to re-emerge because this December marks the three year anniversary of bringing James and Esther home to our family. You all walked that road with us - encouraged us, prayed for us, supported us. As we look back, our reflections are partly in celebration and partly to just absorb all that God has carried our family through. I know the Facebook photos look rosy, but that’s not real life. I’ve never been a fan of small talk or disgenuine chatter, so I feel really compelled to share the reality of the past three years.  

The first six months were truly a time of crisis - emotional, mental, physical, spiritual. We had expected many of the challenges, but the intensity of the difficulties and the elevated emotions and behaviors were a challenge to navigate. Our home was no longer a safe place and there wasn’t a clear path forward. It was terrifying... but God protected us and provided for us in clear and tangible ways.  

We found help - professionals who truly understood trauma and attachment. We prioritized needs. We recommitted to being consistent, loving, accepting and transparent. We taught the kids that this was an opportunity to come to know God in a deeper way, and He would grow them through it. 

And things mellowed… just a bit. We were still tentative, always a bit on edge, but we were no longer drowning. As the months passed, we felt a little more settled, a little less chaotic. It felt like we were regaining the healthy atmosphere we had always valued in our home. Anxieties diminished. Routines were established. Our family had stabilized.    

A new normal emerged… and we rested in it for quite a while. Anything more was not yet possible. There was still so much to resolve and work out, but the energy wasn’t there. Mere stability was enough. We came to recognize that our mission field was inside of our home, which is exhausting but also an ever-present testimony of God’s faithfulness. 

These phases were challenging each in their own way and incredibly isolating. That being said, there is a piece of wisdom that I am reminded of daily that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Love and faith are ACTIONS. They aren't mere feelings or sentiments. They don’t come and go on a whim. You don’t need to be feeling love and faith to demonstrate love and faith. They are a choice that we should be making every day as followers of Christ. 

We’ve made that choice. We continue to make that choice on even the most difficult days… and we have no doubt God blesses that choice abundantly.

“But be doers of the Word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.” James 1:22

Relationship

I wrote about safety nets in my last post. The following day I read this devotion, written as a letter from God:

“I am with you. These 4 words are like a safety net, protecting you from falling into despair. Because you are human, you will always have ups and downs in your life experience. But the promise of My presence limits how far down you can go. Sometimes you may feel like you are in a freefall, when people or things you had counted on let you down. Yet as soon as you remember that I am with you, your perspective changes radically.”

– Sarah Young, “Jesus Calling”

These words ring so true to me. I have experienced this again and again. My faith helps me maintain a higher level of perspective on the ups and downs of life. My relationship with God is my actual safety net.

So in being a steward of what God has given me, doesn’t it make sense to extend my net? To build relationships where I can say: I am with you. I’ll use my knowledge, skills and life experience to support you to limit how far down you can go. I’ll help you maintain a higher level perspective and encourage you as you work to meet your personal goals.

This is my new endeavor, friends! Through Circles RVA, we are building community (i.e., relationships) to end (i.e., break the cycle of) poverty.

Most of my “circle” lives with me inside the suburban bubble. We are middle- to high- income levels. We feel stress or pressure regarding finances, but the reality is we’re in the top percentile across the entire globe. For some of us it may or may not have been a struggle, but we have navigated education systems and financial processes to find ourselves securely over the poverty line. But do you know the numbers outside of our bubble?    

The official poverty line for a family of four is $24,250 per year or less.

The Richmond poverty rate (25.3%) is nearly twice the national level.

The RVA poverty rate is even higher for children at 38.7%.

In some Richmond neighborhoods, the poverty rate is as high as 50%.

Poverty is COMPLEX. Could we simplify it and say RELATIONSHIP can make a tangible difference? There are countless short term efforts that meet a singular need - we volunteer and donate to them often... but long term change requires depth. Establishing models and mentors for those who are the product of generational poverty can break the cycle. Relationship is the game changer. 

  

  

 

The Line

I’ve been spending time lately digging in and trying to understand the complex issues surrounding poverty. There’s this invisible, and probably ever-changing, socio-economic line between secure and insecure. If you were to spend your life hovering right around that line, any unknown thrown your way could bump you from one side of the line to the other. Just think about the example of losing a job. It could happen to any of us… but that loss plays out differently depending on how close to the line we may be. You may have a large savings account or no savings. You may have health insurance through a spouse, or insurance may be lost with the job. You may be able to move home for awhile or you may not have a home to go to. You may have a network of peers to help you secure a new job quickly, or you may know no one else who is employed...

We had a rough year last year – with a lot of ups, downs and decisions. Any given day, what thankfully turned out to be a minor set back could have been major without a safety net. And that's not just a financial net. There are so many threads of security that are woven together to create our safety nets - family, relationships, support systems, mental health resources, education.

As I’ve been digesting all that I’m learning, my thoughts have been intermingled with adoption and foster care knowledge. Because realistically, if you are hovering on this invisible line without support and security, family decisions are more drastic and severe. Not having a parent who can parent is devastating. A child on one side of the line may be taken in by stable relatives, while a child on the other side of the line may have no option but foster care (in the States) or an orphanage (overseas).

You know my heart is tied up in adoption… It can be transformative and healing. Adoption redirects the trajectory of a child’s life. But adoption doesn’t erase tragedy and the child’s change in course comes at a huge expense with a great deal of trauma. What if that additional distress could be prevented? I’m thankful that we are able to walk through life with James and Esther in our family… but for their sakes, in an ideal world, I would have wanted to avoid this path for them.

This is where God has held me over the past few years.  Reading and just sitting on thoughts… it’s overwhelming and I haven’t really known how to process and apply my thoughts.

It’s led me to a new passion, Circles RVA. They are a national non-profit just starting in Richmond with this mission: BUILD COMMUNITY TO END POVERTY. Building community – creating a support system to help individuals move to a more secure and stable place across “the line”. This is deep, intentional, meaningful work and I am so incredibly excited to become a part of their organization. You’ll be hearing a lot more about it in the upcoming weeks!

Got That Feeling

Isn’t it awesome when you actually feel something deep in your core versus just knowing it in your head?

That’s where we are, friends. We are FEELing like a family… and it’s wonderful!

The idea of going on a full blown family vacation seemed like “too much” over the past year. It didn’t even cross our minds as something doable. We had too many adjustments, too many appointments, too much catching up with academics, too much adoption debt, etc. Plus, anything unexpected or out of our typical routine sent some of the kids into a tailspin. Vacation was not a priority – we were just trying to manage the daily grind.  

The early effects of James’ PTSD diagnosis and related episodes had left ALL of the kids reeling. The stress and uncertainty led us to make lifestyle changes that felt confining. It was really difficult for the kids to see past some of the trauma and connect with one another. Yet as we moved through 2018, we were seeing positive growth. Comfort levels were increasing. Seeds of trust were being planted… but we continued to feel like we needed a spark of some kind to ignite their sibling relationships.

And then there was sweet Esther who got sad whenever we talked about memories from before she joined our family. “Please stop talking about that. It makes me feel left out,” she’d say. And of course, it would – it was when our worlds and experiences were millions of miles apart!

We stumbled upon Adventure Is Out There (https://adventure.ngo/), a non-profit run by three amazing people who understand the needs of adoptive families. Their mission is to create nurturing experiences that spur bonding. All of a sudden, the idea of a vacation sounded doable. And not only doable, but it could also be the “spark” we needed to transition from surviving as a family to thriving as a family!

On Thanksgiving we let the kids know that we had been granted a trip to Disney World… and in January we experienced a magical week with AIOT and two other amazing adoptive families. We were supported and encouraged. The kids truly bonded. They had so much fun together and spent more time directly interacting than they ever have before. It was absolutely wonderful.

So we’re back to the daily grind, but with a ton of joint memories in our back pockets. We truly FEEL like a family! Thank you AIOT!!

  

We are committed to paying this experience forward and helping AIOT grant trips to future adoptive families. Are you interested in helping? Visit https://donorbox.org/aiot!

Love in Action

So it's hit me that this is no longer my "adoption" blog. That journey has ended. We're just a family now. A family with some differences, adjustments, challenges and quirks... but isn't that every family?! 

Thank you for walking with us. We appreciate your thoughts, prayers, concern and encouragement more than you know. Most of all, thank you for celebrating with us that there are two less orphans in the world! If there's anything that we hope you've learned with us through this process, it's that love is an action word. :)

And we believe the greatest example of love in action is God sending his son to this Earth to be our Savior. So Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

2018

2017... What a difference a year makes!

But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children. Galatians 4:4-5

All Your Promises

We're coming up on the one year anniversary of James and Esther coming home with us. In some ways time flies, in other ways, this was by far the longest year of our lives. The milestones were many, both big and small. So many, that it became easy to overlook the growth happening every day in our home.

As we look back, it’s overwhelming on so many levels and difficult to even know where to start in summing it all up. You see the cutesy Facebook posts and photos – these kids are energetic and resilient. They are transforming before our eyes. It’s such a privilege to have front row seats as their futures unfold.

We continue to not feel comfortable in “publicizing” the struggles we’ve seen this year – I would never want our kids to be embarrassed. It’ll be their story to tell in the future. We have walked through darkness mixed in with the many moments of love, joy, and healing.

The meditation in my mind recently has been one lyric over and over again… “all Your promises are yes and amen.”  I could go on and on about God’s promises and how we’ve seen and felt them this year… but I’ll tap into my love of lists and give you bullet points.

- God will never leave us

Cora's Thanksgiving Project

No matter what the circumstance, we do not need to fear because God will not leave us. My kids have heard this, but this year they felt it and experienced it. It’s a truth they now hold dear.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

- God is a refuge

We have needed to retreat this year. We have pulled away from some relationships and commitments, knowing we needed a refuge. And God has tangibly been that refuge. I have caught all four of the kids reading their Bible, trying to “feel better” lately. And I so appreciate that they know where to turn from true refreshment. God will not leave us comfortless if we seek Him. 

The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Psalm 9:9
I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you. John 14:18

- God gives us strength, power and wisdom

We have floundered and questioned. We have felt hopeless. But when we felt the most inadequate, we also strangely felt the most equipped because it was clear God was empowering us. 

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. James 1:5
He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Isaiah 40:29

- God protects us and is a light in the darkness

We have needed physical protection at times. We have had more “near misses” than I can count. But we walked away with minor inflictions every single time. I can’t stress enough how strongly we have felt and clung to God’s protection. 

Night times were incredibly difficult and escalated for many months. The week the kids’ spent at Royal Family Kids Camp was a transformation in many ways… and one of the biggest changes was when God’s truth sunk in that He is light. Nights are peaceful in our house now – and the lights are off!

But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3

God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. 1 John 1:5

- God meets our needs

He has met our needs over and over again, often times before we even voiced them. But even more so, He has graciously given us more than what we need. And we are so incredibly grateful. 

The biggest example? We’ve been feeling a shift in our home. It feels like we are transitioning from “surviving” to what is becoming “thriving.” We are seeing so many positive transformations – in bonding, learning, communicating, self awareness, etc. We wanted to celebrate that and turn the page in a way. And do you know how we’re going to do it? In Disney World! An absolutely wonderful non-profit, Adventure is Out There (adventure.ngo), is sending our family to Disney for what they call “a nurturing experience”, a.k.a. total craziness and a ton of family bonding. We can’t wait!!!

For all of God's promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding "Yes!" And through Christ, our "Amen" (which means "Yes") ascends to God for his glory. 2 Cor. 1:20

Living Out Life Lessons

You know when you read a book and something resonates with you as a bit of “good information.” It makes sense – it’s a clear, concise, important bit of knowledge that you store, knowing one day you may have to apply it.

And then that day comes. You’re living out something you previously only read about – so it’s no longer just intellectual, it’s now REAL on a new level. You realize that the information you had was good. It was true, right and applicable… but you didn’t know the depth of it and couldn’t truly understand it until you were actually living it yourself.

That’s where we are these days. Some of the lessons we’re living in our house are…

- “All you need is love” isn’t quite true when you’re piecing a family together through adoption. You need patience, structure, nurture, understanding, mercy, faith and so much more! 

- Wounds from abandonment run deep. Responses and reactions are multi-layered. Cries are guttural. Emotions have a profound intensity. As a parent watching and loving, there are often no words – just your presence and prayers.  

- Felt security is a long-term process. Physically being protected and surrounded by people who are loving doesn’t guarantee that you truly FEEL secure. Felt security will hopefully develop over time through consistency and focus on attachment. Emotional security will hopefully also grow to a point where emotions are not so easily disturbed and distressed. But these things can't be rushed or forced.  

- “I don’t know” is a real and acceptable answer. I don’t know because I don’t remember… I don’t know why I did XYZ because the urges I feel are stronger than my impulse control… I don’t know because my brain flips to an innate survival mode. It literally freezes… I don’t know because I am overwhelmed and stuck in sensory overload… I don’t know because I have so many fear-based behaviors that I can’t even pinpoint my exact fears… I don’t know what to do – but thank God I don’t need to know all of the answers! 

- Nurturing can truly fill in developmental gaps and literally rewire the brain. We are following the TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) model in our home, which ties into parenting kids from hard places with a connected and attachment-focused approach. It’s simple in theory, but so hard to implement some days. It feels weird at times. I often have to make myself do the opposite of what comes to mind as a traditional parent. But we are seeing them progress through missed developmental stages in amazing ways. When we step back to look at how far we've come in only 10 months, It almost feels like we're watching home videos of developmental progress on fast forward. Truly amazing.  

- We have a gracious God who will walk with us through anything and never leave us. He uses us and our shortcomings to do things that are only possible with His strength, power, love and forgiveness.