Stopping the Madness

I cancelled our newspaper subscription today. Not big news, I know… but I’m feeling proud of myself because I’ve been stalling on pulling the plug. I don’t actually read the paper. I just like perusing ads… especially around the holidays. It's all rooted in fond childhood memories of flipping through the Sears catalog and making Christmas wish lists.

That tradition has been passed along to my kids and each year they take turns flipping through the circulars as Christmas approaches… But why? Just for the fun of it? The tradition?! Because the reality is, I’d rather them not have a never-ending wish list… I want them to learn to be content... To understand the difference between needs and wants… to not be overly influenced by messages of materialism and consumerism.

We’ve been without cable TV for over a year now… We initially did it as a money saver and to cut down on how much TV we watched… the added bonus? No commercials! No longer do I hear sweet little voices repeating tag lines and spelling out website addresses for useless things like pillowpets. Yeah! I'm hoping the lack of store ads has a similar effect!

Side Note: If you're interested in taking little steps to stop the madness, too, check out this link for a great way to change perspective during advent: An Antidote for Holiday Consumerism 

I think about the new kids coming into our house and wonder about the observations they’ll have... “Look at all of these toys! Awesome!” or  “Woah - why so many?” “What in the world do they do with all of this?”  or “They have 18 balls! My friends at my old school were wishing for just one ball...”

More than likely they’ll be overwhelmed. I’m making a mental comparison to how I felt the first time we visited Chuck E Cheese. I believe I was twitching within 30 seconds. Total sensory overload.

And then my mind progresses from a surplus of toys to one of food. What in the world will they think the first time they go to an American grocery store??? From my “first world” perspective, I anticipate that they’ll feel relief at knowing so much food is now accessible to them. I can almost picture them wanting to grab as much as they can… But then I take off my filter and realize that their reaction could likely be very different. They may be confused by the choices, options, variations…  (The cereal aisle, alone, may put them into a panic.) They will be conflicted - why is all of this food here, when the people in my village can’t get enough?

This train of thought reminds me of an impressionable moment on my trip. While sharing dinner one night, we split a large bottle of water between about 10 people, pouring it into individual glasses. My daughter bumped her glass and the water spilled. It was a relatively small amount of water since we had allocated the bottle among so many… and I didn’t really react. Kids spill. It's just water. No big deal. 

The adults at the table immediately jumped up, trying to save some of the water. They chastised her. It was the only time I saw them speak harshly... over spilt water. It slowly sunk in why they were so upset with her - she had just lost a valuable commodity. The one thing not to be wasted… Water.

Later that night I was showing the kids photos of life here. Pictures of our family, house, schools, foods. The kept returning to one particular photo of Asher in our neighborhood splash park. After the water incident earlier in the evening, I was regretting including the photo in the book. There was water on the ground, water in the background, water all over his body. He was playing in an excess of the very thing they ration. They were a bit mesmerized, but mainly confused. I fielded MANY questions over that one picture.

Asher playing in our neighborhood splash park.

The contrast between little vs. much... lacking and excess (like wish lists from Sears catalogs!!)… Accessibility and unavailability… I am no closer to comprehending these disparities than I was months ago… How will these sweet little brains perceive and process it all??? I'm praying that with God's help, they come to know this to be true: "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:12.

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.  1 Corinthians 10:23-24 (NLT)
 

Loving Others

One of my greatest desires is for my kids to be people who care… who give... who empathize… who can step outside of their comfort zone to impact their world.

Both Asher and Cora have a natural desire to be helpful. It’s so sweet to see this part of their personalities. Asher has an innate willingness to bestow gifts and surrender his own possessions. He would empty his pockets without blinking an eye. He gives and gives generously. Cora’s personality is different. Instead of being moved by material need, she sees emotional need. She notices people, observes them in a deeper way. She’ll ask me things like, “why is that person smiling, but their eyes are sad?” She is attentive to people and connects with their emotional state.  

I consider it one of my many jobs to cultivate these gifts in them. I want them to step past caring and into the realm of taking action. It’s one of those things that really can’t be taught verbally. I can’t just command them to care or instruct them to show compassion. It’s deeper than words – it’s something that needs to connect in their sweet little hearts. 

We’ve found opportunities to get them volunteering… Serving dinner at Ronald McDonald Houses, packing lunches for the homeless, buying lunch food for students in need… It’s all good stuff, but they forget so quickly. It’s not enough to drive home the long term message that to whom much is given, much is expected.

The adoption journey is obviously shaping Asher & Cora in this area, as well. To the extent that their little brains can understand, they have a more global perspective than they did before… There's a greater awareness of others' needs... They’re gaining an appreciation for the things they have… And they have an increased passion for helping people. (Of course, they're still kids and sometimes choose to throw a tantrum over sharing something... but I digress. ;))

So I’m learning that the lesson needs to be rooted in more than single, disjointed events where we serve…

-       It’s a mindset that Chad and I have to model every single day.

-       It’s a lifestyle that gives opportunity for them to see outside of our suburban bubble.

-       It’s a schedule with margin that allows us to be available to help when help is needed.

-       It’s the conversations we have and the questions we ask.

I can’t wait to see them continue to grow in their enthusiasm to connect with and care for others!

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Romans 12:10-11 (NLT) 

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life... Use your freedom to serve one another in love; that’s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God’s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That’s an act of true freedom. Galatians 5:13-15 (Message)

Have to share Cora's cute drawing of her family...
she had to keep coloring on the
backside of her house to make all 6 of us fit!

 

To date, this is still one of my favorite
worksheets that Asher has brought home...
It's from way back in Kindergarten!

School Daze

Preparing for school was a little surreal for me this year.

Partly because we had a great summer and I really wasn’t prepared for it to end. Labor Day weekend and the close of summer totally snuck up on me... 

And partly because the time leading up to school felt “easy” compared to past years. The kids had no worries, no sadness, no fears. For Asher, specifically, that's a 180-degree turn from past years. I tiptoed around the subject of school for weeks, scared it would initiate anxiety… but all was truly calm as the first day approached, commenced and is now coming to a close. Sweet relief!

First Day of the
2015-16 School Year

Walking Asher to school this morning also felt surreal... because it hit me that this time next year I could be walking four kids to elementary school. FOUR! With the new kids, though, it likely not going to be as straightforward as it's been with Asher and Cora... taking the Briggance and rolling into kindergarten…

I have no idea what to expect in terms of language, prior schooling, developmental stages, educational needs, etc… I am OVERHWLEMED every time I think about it. Seriously, just flooded with thoughts, ideas, questions, concerns, what-ifs…

Until this point I’ve flippantly said, oh, I’ll homeschool, if needed, to get everyone up to speed… But now that the time feels like it’s actually approaching, where do I even start?? And, truth be told, I don’t actually want to homeschool!

So in place of the kids being nervous about this school year, I realized that I’ve been the one carrying the burden of apprehension… Thankfully, Go spoke to me through this devotion (from Jesus Calling):  

“Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities: situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where God wants you – the best place to encounter Him in His Glory & Power… Allow God to fight for you. Watch God working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of His presence.”

This perfectly timed message was followed by a coffee date with a dear friend who talked me down from my ledge of worry… and then a message with a video clip of the kids’ school day in Africa. Even though our children were not in the video, seeing all of the other kids was so refreshing and calmed all of my apprehensions. I now find myself in a place of rest on this topic of future schooling… Thank you, God!

“Are you tired? Worn out? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-29

Word Picture

Over the years, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to participate in a handful of international mission trips… I truly love the experiences, but always come home with such conflicting emotions regarding the vast contrast between my daily life and the lives of others across the globe… particularly those in countries that we would classify as developing or third world…

I’ve been wanting to download my experience in Africa – to share with you an image of what I experienced… But I’ve been struggling with how to do that because I want to avoid making comparisons or contrasts. Other countries and cultures are SO very different than life here in suburban America. When describing the differences, I don’t want one or the other to necessarily sound good versus bad… because the truth is, they’re so very different that a comparison isn’t even adequate. And different can be OK – it doesn’t have to be a good/better/best thing.

When I had the opportunity to experience rural China, it was like going back in time hundreds of years. Dirt roads. Clay huts. Wandering animals and shepherds. No electricity. No modern conveniences. Primitive and undeveloped. It was a simple existence.  

During our trip to Nigeria, the area we visited was impoverished in infrastructure, but not in spirit. There was an energy – a buzz in the air. My memory is that people were upbeat and joyful. We met individuals with vision… people who loved their culture and had hopes for their country’s future. The overall atmosphere was dynamic to me.

The country I visited this year felt so very different than these others… 

The city had a buzz, an energy. There was a hustle and bustle that seemed consistent with all cities. I saw wide disparities – a divide between people, conditions, status. What struck me most, though, was that it didn’t feel undeveloped like you’d imagine a third world country. It had been developed, or at least on that path, and then development was abandoned. The words devastation, destruction and deterioration come to mind. They had been on the brink of something that had potential and promise, so the current condition held a sadness for me.

Our children live about 20 miles outside of this city, but it’s about a 2 hour drive (for those privileged to have transportation) due to dilapidated roads...

It’s one thing to live simply… to have small huts as shelter, 1-2 articles of clothing, modest work, etc… I felt like I saw that in China and Nigeria. That’s where I want to avoid comparisons to our lifestyle, because while I would call that poor or humble by worldly standards, I wouldn’t say it’s "unacceptable".

Market in Nigeria

Village Road
near my children's home

 

What I saw in my children's village was beyond the poverty I had witnessed previously… Little to no naturally available drinking water. Limited access to food (especially food that has the vitamins needed for nourishment). Bugs hovering on food and bodies. No transportation (not even bikes) to work, go to school, go to hospitals, etc. These scarcities create hindrances to hope for the future – what do you dream about? work towards?   

However, I would go further than using the word “impoverished” to describe the people I observed there. I would say “desolate” is more accurate… because there’s a layer of emotional deprivation, too. These people have seen civil war and disease like we can’t even imagine. I felt a heaviness… a weariness… I saw a darkness in their eyes... It was distressing to experience and disheartening to see the complexities of poverty. How could I even begin to help???

On this journey, I met some REALLY AMAZING people who are helping by using their specific gifts and passions.

The facilitator that I spent much of my time with LOVES his country and people. He’s not just doing a job, his heart and soul is with the families for whom he advocates. And as if working and raising his own family isn’t enough, he’s dedicated to starting a school to teach technology to the next generation. He has a plan and it’s beautiful.

The man who runs the foster home where our children are currently living is the most joyful person I have ever met. I physically felt his joy when he walked into the room for the first time. He knows the value of education and is working to make sure it’s available to children. He has vision, creative ideas and is getting things done by collaborating with others. And did I mention his energy and joy?!

And the attorney working on behalf of our kids? Wow. She fights for those who can’t fight for themselves. She is a trailblazer on issues of social injustice. Many culture changing laws have been established because of her persistence. When she shared her story with me, I felt like I was experiencing greatness. Amazing, amazing woman.

These are ordinary people doing extraordinary things with God's help. Chad and I are giving family, love, hope and future to two children… We are so grateful to be able to do that… But adopting them doesn’t help the overwhelming number of other people who are living in devastation. Adoption doesn’t solve the core problems that come with extreme poverty and deprivation. We’re doing the part that God called us to do in the present… I hope one day in the future He uses us to do more in their birth country... and even more so, I hope that a day comes when there isn't a need for adoption… 

In the meantime, I am praying for the world changers that He has already called into action. 

   

Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow. Isaiah 1:17

Don’t put your life in the hands of experts who know nothing of life, of salvation life. Mere humans don’t have what it takes; when they die, their projects die with them. Instead, get help from the God of Jacob, put your hope in God and know real blessing! God made sky and soil, sea and all the fish in it.

He always does what he says— he defends the wronged, he feeds the hungry.
God frees prisoners— he gives sight to the blind, he lifts up the fallen.
God loves good people, protects strangers, takes the side of orphans and widows, but makes short work of the wicked. Psalm 146:6-9

Gift of Words

I just sealed up two envelopes filled with photos, letters and drawings that will be on their way to Africa. We’re so excited to have the opportunity to communicate with the kids. I think about them daily and worry about what their perception is over there… if they’re anything like Asher & Cora, they have no real concept of time. Do they understand I’m coming back? Even though it feels like SO much time is passing?

We originally intended to send care packages, but have been asked not to… Packages would likely be stolen and/or make it to the kids only if the school could pay bribes of some sort. (Totally different world than we live in, right? I see glimpses of the culture there, and in other countries we’ve visited, and am reminded how blessed we are! We live in a country that has imperfect policies, practices, etc. There are ongoing challenges and concerns… but the fundamentals of freedom, equality and pursuit of happiness are out there for us!) 

So instead of gifts, we are sending letters… and writing the letters has become a gift to us. Sitting down, thinking about what we want to say, formulating the words… it’s a sweet and simple way to focus our attention on the kids and what they may need to hear.

The family photos we're sending include pics of
A & C holding up letters for their siblings names.

There’s something significant in written words for me. Things can be said verbally, but they don’t hold the importance and value like a composed letter. I could get 100 verbal “happy birthdays”, but it’d be the one birthday note in my mailbox that really makes me feel cherished.

A letter takes time to create. The author has been intentional about compiling their thoughts. As the reader, you sense the importance of what they want to say. You know that you can read it once, twice, and over and over again.

I write Asher & Cora letters in a journal from time to time… to document special moments, gifts I see in them, and words of encouragement for their life journeys. I’ve also created an ongoing written testimony of what God has done in our lives that we will one day share with our family in detail… The list of how God shows himself is growing exponentially as we walk this path!

... and as I write this, I’m reminded that the Bible is God’s letter to us… and His written words truly give life!

Now that you’ve cleaned up your lives by following the truth, love one another as if your lives depended on it. Your new life is not like your old life. Your old birth came from mortal sperm; your new birth comes from God’s living Word. Just think: a life conceived by God himself! 1 Peter: 22-24 (The Message)

The Flip Side

A theme in our house lately has been “choosing joy”. We’re trying to help our kids along the path of recognizing their thoughts, taking control of the negative ones and turning them around to something productive or positive… Chad's new teaching point of "only YOU can control your thoughts" rings in our house even after he's left for work each morning. :)

Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Philippians 4:8 (Message)

  

As it usually goes, when I try to emphasize a principle with the kids, I start to notice how often I don’t model my own teachings! For instance, am I choosing joyful thoughts as they relate to our adoption wait?

I've come to a place where it's not forefront in my mind on a day-to-day basis. I’ve accepted it, put it in the “it’s out of my control” part of my brain, and don’t dwell. I'm at peace with it each morning... BUT as some days progress it's brought to my attention a few too many times. 

Side note: On a drive last week, Asher spontaneously yelled from the backseat, “I can’t wait to meet my brother. I want it to be NOW! I am so tired of waiting that I’d be OK with meeting my sister first, as long as it could be NOW!” :)

Although in various forms, “when” is the most frequent question we are asked. How much longer til XYZ? When do you expect to know more? How long has it been since you started the process? When will they come home? What is taking so long?? 

I answer the questions and downcast feelings seep in.

So lately I’m trying to practice what I’m preaching to the kids... focusing on the flip side of what appears to be a depressingly long wait. Is there a positive?

Yes! 

I’m seeing it in Asher and Cora. They have had so much time to adjust to this concept that was originally foreign to them. We’ve never had to sit them down with a big awkward “announcement.” This is something that entered into our family’s language years ago and become part of our dialogue. Their questions are being answered, at their own pace when they think to ask them. Changes to their bedrooms, lifestyle, etc. are gradual. We’re not rushed in making preparations, so we have time to get their input and follow through on their ideas. Their hearts are growing and they’re becoming more and more interested in finding ways to love on and share with others. And probably most importantly, they’re getting to squeak out a little more undivided attention from Chad and I. :)

It warms my heart every time Asher
rips photos off of our fridge and
shows them to people saying,
“this is my brother/sister!”

And it amuses me to no end that
Cora has informed every cashier
in the Midlothian area that
we are buying things for her
sister who lives in Africa.

Careless in the Care of God

I read a statistic recently that has been lingering with me:

• 33% of Americans consider adoption.
• 79% of those are concerned about the costs, the biggest deterrent.
• Less than 2% adopt. (From ABBA Fund website)

How sad! I completely understand that adoption isn’t a choice for every family. (Seriously, some days I wonder what in the world we’re doing shaking up our nice, comfortable life.) But it’s disheartening to know that of those who DO have the desire and passion for adoption, only a small percentage follow through.  

So I just want to put this post out there as a spark of encouragement for any of you who have thought about it and been deterred by the expenses… Yes, it IS expensive. You’ll have sticker shock. You’ll get angry when you think about the principle behind the money (i.e., paying for the privilege of making a lifelong commitment to a likely traumatized child…). The unexpected WILL happen and WILL come with a premium… but it IS doable and SO worth it!!

We started this adoption journey during the time when I transitioned away from working outside out home: 

Financial Commitment to Adoption - one income = craziness??? :)

We felt sure that we were supposed to do both of these things… the combination didn’t make sense mathematically, but it made sense in our hearts. It aligned with the vision we have for our family and lifestyle. Most importantly, it was what God undeniably laid on our hearts… and He has been so faithful to us as we have followed Him!

Since the beginning, God has provided for us in ways we would not have expected. I had kind of forgotten how encouraged we felt until I went back and re-read my previous post about it. J

We’ve fundraised… and been overwhelmed by your support.

We’ve applied for grants… and been grateful recipients.

We’ve sold possessions... and haven’t missed a single one of them.

We’ve made lifestyle changes… cut out cable, limited vacations, hung onto older model cars, stopped our lawn service, started buying second hand, etc… and none of these things seem important now that they’re off our radar.

But more than all of that, we are living under God’s blessing. One of the areas we did NOT cut was our tithe and charitable giving… and there’s no way to measure how God blesses that. It comes to us in ways that seem like happenstance or “lucky”, but to add up the sheer volume of these “coincidences” attests to it NOT being a fluke. And almost always, the financial blessing is correlated to a need that we have.

Latest example: This week we will be paying $1200 to cover our kids’ living expenses for the next 6 months in Africa. (Yes, you read that right. It is only $100/month to shelter, feed, clothe and education one child. $100. I can think of a long list of things I’ve spent $100 on that are nowhere near as significant.) Yesterday we received a refund on our mortgage and a note that our monthly payment is decreasing. The EXACT amount of the change? $1200. Perfect!

The school our kids will be attending...

  

Of all of our concerns and anticipated challenges related to this adoption, the financial worries are lowest on our list. The money works itself out every time… but what is more significant to us than the actual dollar amounts is the timing and manner in which our provision comes. God is showing us again and again how much we matter to Him... and we can rest careless in His care...

 “You can’t worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you’ll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can’t worship God and Money both. If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.” Matthew 6:24-26