Sum-Sum-Summertime

I'll admit it. I haven't quite been looking forward to school getting out. Given the chance, I'll always prefer structure over a lack-there-of... so the wide-open summer is daunting. So daunting that I can't not put some form of structure around it!

Summer Survival Plan :)

I've been memorizing the serenity prayer. And I've been having flashbacks to what I only half-jokingly refer to as the "dark" summer of 2011. That was the summer when I tried to balance working from home while caring for a baby and a three-year-old. Cora NEVER slept. And Chad was on a 24/7 work assignment.

I've been anxious about the summer for two main reasons... 

One, structure has served us well over the past few months. Our new kids feel safest and most calm when there are clear transitions and well-known expectations. Any "outside the box" activity tends to end with a meltdown on some level - and it can take days to recover and re-establish ourselves.

Two, this connected, attachment based parenting that we're proactively using to best support our family is emotionally exhausting. I am so glad I have training in it... I believe in it... I see the amazing growth in James and Esther... And I am so grateful for a support system of other adoptive parents who understand it (because sometimes it seems counter-productive from the outside looking in)... but it is TIRING and requires me to just push beyond the boundaries that are comfortable to me, personally. 

That being said, it hit me yesterday that I need to let go of this anxiety and go into the summer expecting God to do amazing things. This will be a summer of a ton of fun firsts. This will be the summer when deep bonds are forged. This will be a summer of new independences. This will be the summer when we experience even more of God's blessings. I'm ready!

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith. Galatians 6:9-10 (MSG)

Narratives

I’ve taken a bit of a blogging hiatus… there’s so much we’re experiencing and learning every single day. But so much of it doesn’t feel like “mine” to share because it would be voicing things that are personal for the kids. That’s not my place. When they’re old enough to own their experiences, they can share or give us permission to share, if they choose.

I'm reading a book called "Braving the Wilderness" and a line has been sticking with me... "Sometimes the most dangerous thing for kids is the silence that allows them to construct their own stories - stories that almost always cast them as alone and unworthy of love and belonging."

That's not really just kids, though, right? I've noticed how often my mind runs from a factual starting point and weaves a story filled with assumptions and jumps. Before I know it, a single fact may have evolved into something more dramatic and not necessarily true! 

One of the ways that we're breaking this "silence" that could breed a negative story is by working with a counselor to create chronological narratives for our kids… to help them put the pieces together in a way that allows them to embrace their stories. It’s not a photo book. It’s not a life book. It’s the individual and unique story of each of their lives. I’ve written them as if they are children’s books – easy language, cutesy clip-art images. Putting it in this format takes a bit of the “edge” off and allows them to digest the story more openly.  

It’s been such a therapeutic process for all of us! It allows us to walk through their life history with them one-on-one. It gives them words and phrases for complex experiences. It allows us to speculate about what emotions they may have felt and gives them the opportunity to own their feelings. It allows us to guide them in drawing lines and conclusions between the past and present (you may feel XYZ when this happens because you remember how you felt the day ABC happened). It’s opened up memories that they may not have thought to share with us otherwise.

The plan was originally to write these narratives for just James and Esther. But we ended up writing them for Asher and Cora, too. I’m so glad we did this! They needed words to put around their experiences, as well, and they also needed help identifying their emotions. It also never hurts to remind them of all the amazing qualities we see in them and that God has big plans for their lives.

We happened to be finishing up the narratives at a time when it feels like life is settling down a bit for all of us. So it’s been a way to look back over the last few months and talk through the challenges we’ve experienced. We have been able to remind everyone that going through a difficult time is not all “bad.” God is stretching us. God is bringing us to a new place where we are pushed outside of our comfort zones and can grow. God is giving us life experience that allows us to have empathy when we have opportunities to help others in the future. If we allow him to, God will work all things for the good of those who love him. 

Such life lessons for little hearts and minds!

 He knows us far better than we know ourselves…That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. Romans 8:28 (MSG)

The Village

We all throw around the saying “it takes a village” while joking about carpools… but seriously it DOES take a village to just get through everyday life, let alone the more challenging times we all face.

I’ve been spending a lot of time sitting in gratitude for our village… Because it has turned out to be far deeper and wider than we could have ever imagined and we are so incredibly grateful!

What does a real, life-giving village look like??? For us, it’s been…

-       Family and friends helping us break through barriers to bring our kids home because they were willing to call and pursue leads with politicians, attorneys, etc.

-       Online chat groups with people I may never meet in person, but who were willing to share their experiences, advice, etc.

-       Adopting without insurmountable debt because our village helped us fundraise

-       Strangers during our travel that paid for meals, bought us gifts, etc.
(Thank you, especially, to the man in the Brussels airport who bought me a box of chocolates and instructed me to hide them in my laundry room for an inevitable rough day… that day came and I ate them all!)

-       Meals delivered to our door for 2+ months so that our time during transition could be prioritized on connecting with our new family

-       Coffee dates and support groups with other adoptive moms… many of whom I just met, but spend hours with, digging in deep

-       Countless carpools, playdates and sleepovers that have helped maintain a sense of normalcy for our bio kids

-       My parents, who have just sat with me so that I wouldn’t be alone when kids endure trauma-related raging

-       Friends who show up at your house, late at night, on 5 minutes notice to take your kids out of the house during emergencies

-       Texts, e-mails, calls of encouragement… and a ton of prayer from friends, church and bible study companions on our behalf behind the scenes

-       A friend showing up at our door with all of the products you need to take care of your new kids’ haircare

-       Bottles of wine dropped on our front porch

-       Forgiveness and grace from other parents when our child makes bad choices that hurt others

-       Teachers going above and beyond in ways I couldn’t foresee to make all four kids feel loved, special and encouraged.

(And I just need to pause here to say, God ordains the people who surprisingly show up in your village! Cora and Esther were assigned a teacher who has personal experience with foster care and kids from trauma backgrounds. James’ teacher has a heart for international kids and was already familiar with Sierra Leone because her church does mission work there. Asher’s teachers have been INCREDIBLE. He gets notes, hugs, lunch dates, etc. It’s been incredible.)

I share all of this because I can’t imagine going through life right now without this village behind us… I’d call out everyone by name, but I’m sure I’d miss someone and feel horrible about the oversight. Relationships like these - this is the good in the world! We can all be a part of someone’s village! (And when our life calms down, I am intent on going back to proactively being a giver, not a receiver, in the villages around me!) 

I thank my God every time I remember you. - Philippians 1:3

Magical

We so often focus on the positive side of adoption – the joy, love, commitment of a “forever family”… The "gain” to our family. But the truth is, adoption is needed because there has been a loss. Adopted kids have endured GREAT loss at a young age. And that loss doesn’t just disappear when they join our family. Their trauma and grief is their history – the place where they grow from. It will surface and resurface over the years to come… just as anyone who has experienced loss understands. It’s a part of their story forever.

In addition to loss through death, James and Esther have said goodbye to their extended families, neighbors, friends, schoolmates, caregivers. They have left their country and birth culture… They have left behind really all that they know.

I say all of this as a sort of response to the comments we get like, “wow, life must be so magical right now!” We understand what you are saying. We appreciate the intent. We know that the words come from a place of support and encouragement… but “magical” it is NOT!

We love these kids. We have fought for them. We celebrate them joining our family. We know that God has big plans for them. We have incredibly beautiful moments with them… and there are incredibly difficult ones, too. I’ve hesitated to say all this because I don’t want to dampen the joy… but it’s the truth. And I feel so incredibly fake when I just smile and nod at the “magical” comments.

That being said, let’s flip back to the adorable, fun, and memorable. Here are just a few random tidbits - maybe "magical" is the right word for this stuff! :)

- Esther is beside herself with joy every time Chad walks into a room. She squeals and squeals!

- Courtesy of "Love is an Open Door" from Frozen, James came up to me singing and said: "Can I say something crazy?" "I like crazy." "I like being your son!" Melt my heart!!!

- A school bus pulled up next to us at a red light one day. Esther gasped and yelled: "OMG! A woman is driving the bus!" I said, "yes, women drive buses in America. Women can have any job they want in America." She just sat there with this giddy and amazed look on her face for the rest of the drive. It was ADORABLE.

- The first time I took James shopping at Target, I kept having to say “no, that’s too expensive” to requests. Every single time he’d throw his hands up and yell “The Lord will provide!”

- 3 months ago, Esther didn't want her hair done, wouldn't wear dresses, said she didn't like anything pretty, screamed "No" if we complimented her, etc. That has changed big-time! She now LOVES getting dressed up! She LOVES the mirror. She swirls and twirls and tells us how pretty she is! 

- James is a soccer star! We knew he liked to mess around and had some fancy footwork... but didn't know how he'd feel in an organized game. His first game was last Saturday. He ran out there and just commanded the field. So much fun to see him in his element!

- Esther calls our master bedroom closet “the store in our house.” LOL

- James told me, “I love my mom because she asks how many chicken nuggets I want and I’m allowed to answer 1-100.” :)

- One of the first times we went to church, James whispered to me, "I've always wanted to be baptized." It has been such a joy to talk with them and listen to their sweet thoughts on God. Their faith runs deep for such a young age... and their prayers have an urgency that you don't sense from other kids who have had more comfortable and consistent early years. So it brought us GREAT joy this past weekend to see James and Esther be water baptized!

The biggest change we've seen over the past few months is just in James' & Esther's social interactions... Their comfort level, ability to adapt, growing imaginations and expanding interests are really amazing to watch unfold. Equally amazing are Asher and Cora as they are stretched well beyond their comfort zone in things like sharing, showing empathy, being leaders, etc. They have both been recognized at school recently for their character and I am just so incredibly proud of them. 

We are blessed!

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. Psalm 28:7

Great Expectations

We’ve been a bit reclusive as we transition into life as a family of six. Thanks to everyone checking in on us and bringing us meals! I’ve only had to cook 2-3 times/week since mid-December. What a blessing! (Especially since our oven broke last week. Yikes!)

Everyone is doing well. In some ways, we had so many expectations, in other ways we really had none. But overall, any and all expectations we dared to hold have been far exceeded… especially in regard to language, education, and most importantly, attachment.

When you think about just the culture change, alone, I’m amazed at how well James and Esther are adjusting. Then you start factoring in the deeper things - their past trauma, their grief in leaving behind everything they knew, etc. - and realize just how much they are processing right now. We are working through a lot of difficult, emotionally challenging stuff. Life in our house is very messy, but the kids’ resilience and God’s goodness just shine through.

The piece you might not expect is that Asher and Cora are going through a period of grief, too. Their former life no longer exists and that’s a lot to take in. Their sweet friends have been so kind in offering encouragement and giving them time to retreat from the chaos of our house. Much gratitude from Chad and I!

When I pray over the kids each night, I am just making a point of thanking God for always being with us and never leaving us. That just seems to be the message all 4 kids (and Chad and I too!) need to remember right now. All other expectations may go to the wayside, but we can have complete confidence in that truth.   

P.S. I’m keeping an ongoing list of the cute, adorable and hilarious things that are being said and done. I’ll be sure to share a few in the future – they will warm your heart!

I didn't catch it on camera, but Esther DID smile this day! ;)

"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

Enjoying the Ride

This Christmas has been a roller coaster of emotions! The highs are higher and more amazing that we could have expected. And the plunges have been fast, steep and not always quick to level out. It’s a windy ride… but we wouldn’t have it any other way!  

Between every cutesy Facebook post or photo is a lot of craziness. I’m not about to post the madness online… but I also hate how the glossy status updates aren’t a depiction of real life. Know that those pictures don’t tell the real story. ;)

That being said, the past 2-3 weeks have been wonderful. James and Esther are amazing. Asher and Cora are incredible. The laughter, joy and love we're all experiencing far exceeds the tears.

Thank you for the continued prayers and support! We are so blessed!

 

"I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done." Pslam 9:1

Introductions

In the summer of 2013 we started the adoption process, not knowing who it was that would one day be part of our family.

In May 2015, God placed their names in our hearts.

In June 2015, I met them in their birth country, Sierra Leone, and gave them hugs for the first time.

In September 2016, they met their new daddy and officially joined our family.

And now, in December 2017, we are thrilled to be united.  

We are filled with such JOY to FINALLY introduce you to James & Esther! 

James lights up a room! He's positive, energetic and extremely considerate of others. People just gravitate towards him... Future plans may include photography - he has already mastered the art of a good selfie.

  

  
Esther is so lovable! She's curious, helpful and wants to figure things out on her own. She has a deep voice that God has paired with an endearing little giggle. She can bring out the sass and likes to strike a pose.

 

We can't wait for you to meet them!