Being Known

Yep, that was me crying in Target yesterday… 

The day started off at a refreshing coffee date with my dear girl-friends who are also walking adoption journeys… They were letting me share all of the details about our referral and upcoming trip… while also sympathizing with paperwork, deadlines, travel details, etc. I was proud of myself for feeling all calm, cool and collect. I’ve been keeping my expectations in check, trusting the process, just moving forward with faith…

And then I casually swung by the store to grab some clothes for the new kids… What styles are appropriate for their current culture? What size should I get? Would he prefer athletic clothes like Asher? Would a t-shirt with a tag irritate his neck? Will she look beautiful in purple? Why can’t I find a top with a character who is not white? Could she grow into this dress or would she rather have something that fits perfectly?

And then I turned into a blubbering mess…. Not out of unhappiness. I am so happy and joyful! (Which I had to explain to Chad because he still associates crying with sadness after 10+ years of marriage. Maybe after 10 more he'll understand that there are so many other emotions that lead to crying! J) 

I’m just ready to KNOW them… all of their unique characteristics and quirks. Their history. Their challenges. I'm preparing a list of questions with the mission of asking everyone I meet what they remember... because I want to piece together as much of the puzzle as possible for these kids. I want to have answers when they have questions. 

Even more so, I want them to feel known and loved… they may not be getting that right now from their caregivers, but I believe God’s whispering to them in His own way… and we’ll get to speak it to them soon!

Positivity

Guarded optimism… That’s how I would describe where we are on the journey as of now…

We have (another) referral!! YEAH!! A little boy and girl were seeded in our hearts last week.

So here’s the thing… one of the first steps along the path of adoption is a home study. Part of that process is setting parameters for your adoption. It may be ages, genders, special needs, specific risk factors, etc. We were particularly concerned about age - and committed to not adopting a child who was older than Asher (he was five at the time). We didn’t want to shake up the birth order of our biological children – and Asher’s role as the “oldest” is important to him. We also had no idea what to expect with a child older than 5 – we hadn’t yet walked that path! 

So our home study reads "under 5" and I’ve been planning for that age range for the last two years… playing through all of the potential joys, challenges, scenarios of adopting a pre-school aged child... and more recently I started travelling down the path of envisioning adopted boys with the last referral... 

The thing with being given a choice is, I thought I actually had a choice. I thought it was my decision. I thought I had a level of control to keep things inside my comfort zone… and yet again, and again, I am reminded that this process is bigger than us and totally out of our control!  More important to us than these plans, is staying faithful to God and where HE leads us, even if it’s not what we envisioned…

I say all of this because God is most definitely leading us to a place outside of our comfort zone… while also keeping us just inside of the boundary that would push me to complete madness!

The boy who was referred to us is about to turn 7. Seven! Not what we planned for… but exactly a month younger than Asher… The little girl referred to us was originally said to be about 1. I was stressing about adopting a 1 year old and a 7 year old together – that just seemed like we’d be pulled in two totally different directions with the needs they would each have… and then we got a call that she is actually 5. Five! She’s just a bit older than Cora.

God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding. Job 37:5

So if this all goes to plan, we’ll have two new kids sandwiched between our current kids… and they’ll each have a playmate for life! We are so excited!! J

So with this comes a few prayer requests…

(1)  I am scheduled to travel soon. PRAY that this trip happens, and happens safely!

(2)  While in Africa, I’ll meet the kids and their current caregivers… pray that we find a way to connect and bond! Pray that I can be a light to not only these kids, but also whoever is currently caring for them.

(3)  I really am freaking out about the kids’ ages. We have been open in so many other areas as to who we could adopt, but age was the one thing we put real constraints around… I always envisioned having time to bond, attach, develop BEFORE school. And these kids will be coming to us already at school age… I am now launching myself into reading and studying how to best help them transition… Pray for my peace of mind so I don’t become overwhelmed!!! (Side note: No more strollers and potty training. Woo hoo!!!)

Higher Ways

The past few weeks have been an opportunity to prioritize faith over feelings… to set my mind on higher things… to take my thoughts captive and focus them on God’s big picture.

It is so easy for all of us to get bogged down in the daily grind… but for me, lately, it’s been all too easy to slip into mental darkness… It starts as acknowledging the loss we feel for the boys that are no longer ours. Our loss. Their loss. It grows to thinking about the conditions orphans endure… the desperate decisions the hungry and impoverished have to make… and then I just spiral down to complete discouragement with this world. The problems. The suffering. The injustices.

I am so grateful for who I am, where I am, what God has entrusted to me. But when I’m in this gloomy emotional state, the things for which I am grateful actually feel negative. Petty concerns. Anxieties born of affluence. First world problems.

Accepting that "our" boys are not going to be adopted by us, or anyone, has felt similar to when I returned home from mission trips in the past... Acknowledgement of perceived unfairness... Reconciliation of such different worlds... Re-entry into the excess... Detachment from what you thought was important before your eyes were opened... I’ve had to learn and am now again re-learning to let God soften my heart so that I’m not pessimistic, critical or judgmental towards myself or others.

The truth is that I can't save every child in this world. But... I CAN have faith in God’s goodness. I CAN trust His higher thoughts & ways. I CAN hold all that I have with open hands. I CAN choose joy and gratitude. He WILL be faithful.  

This remains one of my favorite
photos from a past mission trip...

“I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work,” God’s Decree. 

“For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think. Just as rain and snow descend from the skies and don’t go back until they’ve watered the earth, doing their work of making things grow and blossom, producing seed for farmers and food for the hungry,So will the words that come out of my mouth not come back empty-handed. They’ll do the work I sent them to do, they’ll complete the assignment I gave them.” Isaiah 55:8-11

Heart Break

In an attempt to keep this blog real, let me say it has been a really difficult week for us...

We got a call last week that we are NOT able to adopt the two boys that were referred to us. As the process moved through the standard steps, something was discovered that prevents these kids from being eligible for adoption.

It is such a loss. It's amazing how connected to them we had become over the months of thinking about them and praying for them. We had become attached to the idea of these boys and been planning for them to be a part of our family in the short term details and our long term dreams. 

But while we are feeling disappointed, our real sadness is for the boys. Our understanding is that while they are no longer legally eligible for adoption, their circumstance is not changing. That is heart breaking! We are grieving their loss... the loss of their chance for a better future, the loss of their ability to be in a committed family, and so much more. 

I don't want to sound hopeless for them, because the Lord is my hope and He can do absolutely anything and everything for these boys. But in the present, I'm struggling to see that. I fear for them. I mourn for them. I am believing that our short involvement in their lives leads to good... Maybe it brought them to the attention of someone in-country who can be a light and care for them. And I am turning them fully over to God, who is their true Father. 

Interruptions

I was supposed to be flying home Africa today. Annoying little notifications on my tablet remind me of that as they update me on what would have been my flight status.

I'm SOO bummed! It was such an exciting rush to get news and quickly pull together the trip. And now it feels like we've come to a screeching halt.

We're trying to keep it all in perspective though... it's just a little hiccup. An interruption. And coincidentally, I just finished reading a book called "Life Interrupted" that re-defines interruptions as divine interventions. So that's my mindset - this is a divine intervention for some reason known only to God... maybe for my protection, maybe to be present for Asher and Cora last week, maybe to somehow lead us to a speedier court process... who knows. We can handle not knowing.

But what about these kids? A two month wait is just an inconvenience to me. I'm living out my comfortable day-to-day life as I deal with the setback... But what are they living in? Are they scared? alone? confused? hungry? sick? at risk? I am praying that someone is loving on them right this second...

But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish. Psalm 9:18

I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. Psalm 130:5

Whirlwind

Remember the names we got right before the close of 2014? If not, let me back track…

There was little to no movement in our Ethiopian adoption process last year and as the year progressed, we were receiving only disheartening news regarding what to expect moving forward. In the late summer I asked a group of ladies to start praying that God would make something big happen in 2014. They were so sweet and faithful in encouraging me as the end of the year approached.

On December 29, we were sent a list of waiting children available for adoption in an African country other than Ethiopia. That wasn't the big news we had hoped for, but it felt like God speaking to us. We saw the names and birthdates of two specific children and just had a feeling… But then we heard nothing about them for weeks that dragged into months. We've continued moving forward in preparation with little leaps of faith - we got a mini-van, rearranged furniture to accommodate more kids, planned a special trip for Asher & Cora as a "final fling" for our 4-some... While waiting, we have been talking about these two children, praying for them and writing letters for them, not knowing if they will be ours. 

So here’s where it gets crazy. 

A few weeks ago I was struggling mentally (as I vented about in this post). Juggling the paperwork was overwhelming. Miscommunications with our adoption agency were frustrating. But more than that, I was just generally having negative thoughts. One night it climaxed with me crying to Chad that I couldn’t even think clearly. Was switching countries worth the risk? Were we somehow bailing on the orphans in Ethiopia? Was God saying “slow down, stop thinking about these two kids, don’t change countries”? Or the opposite, was this a spiritual attack?  Afterall, we always said we'd be open to adopt from wherever we were made aware of a specific need that we could fill. Chad suggested that we take a break from all things adoption - to clear our heads, refocus and listen for God's direction.

Literally, the next morning I was woken up an hour earlier than usual. I felt an urge to read a specific book. Here are a few lines I read that morning (written as a letter from God):

For it is certainly true that no situation presents itself twice the same. The opportunities of today are not those of tomorrow. Do not fail to enter every open door, or be held back by a feeling of unreadiness. I, Myself am your preparation. I will give you the needed grace and wisdom for each moment as it comes, and you will rejoice in the victory. For I will overcome timidity and displace inadequacy. This is MY work…  ("Come Away My Beloved")

I felt truly encouraged to continue on our path of changing countries. I went about my day…. And then our social worker called. I let it go to voicemail. Afterall, we were taking a break from all things adoption. And then the texts and e-mails started… Paperwork was coming together. Miscommunications were resolved. And by noon that day, we had an “informal referral" for the two specific children that we had been carrying in our hearts.

So, about 12 hours after rock bottom the previous night, we felt strongly that this was the right direction and God's will. We were excited. Heartened. Reinvigorated. Optimistic. But an “informal referral”? What is that??! It didn't sound all that definite and we were given VERY little information on the children... so we've been sitting on this, waiting for it to seem less ambiguous before sharing the news. 

But here's the conclusion that we have reached... nothing will be definite in this crazy process until we are home with these children. Until then, there are a million-and-one twists and turns this journey can take. And we want to share with you (even all of the craziness)! Because we value transparency... and we need your prayers... and we so appreciate the ways that you encourage us... and we just want to be full-blow EXCITED with you!!

God is continuing to tell me to trust HIM - not the processes, lawyers, documents, medical reports, agencies, etc. Going to meet these children, without the full list of concrete items that we would prefer to have, is uncomfortable and may seem crazy to some... but it's the step of faith that we're being called to take, no matter what the outcome. The less info we have, the more faith that is required! 

(Side note: We still don't have a single photo... I so desperately want to see their pictures!!! However, the benefit of not seeing is that it makes for a somewhat less emotional wait. We're filling the wait by reading up on their culture and country.)

So... I am traveling in less that 2 weeks to go meet these kiddos and petition an African court to start the adoption process!! Aahhhh! So excited!!

Psalm 34:1-8 (Message) 

I bless God every chance I get; my lungs expand with his praise. I live and breathe God; if things aren’t going well, hear this and be happy… God met me more than halfway, He freed me from my anxious fears. Look at him; give him your warmest smile. Never hide your feelings from him. When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot. God’s angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray. Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see— how good God is. Blessed are you who run to him…

Head Vs. Heart

This week has been difficult for me mentally. My head is just full to the brim of adoption stuff. I don’t even know how to explain it adequately to those of your not immersed in this world… because I know from the outside it must sound like, “so what, you have some paperwork to keep up with?”

The strain comes from the extensive (and always changing) paperwork across multiple states, agencies and countries that all have different requirements and requests. So my head is full of hundreds of adoption details that I need to track and ensure are up to date and filed properly… and we are now at a point where our previous home study has expired – so we need new home visits, new financial records, new medical tests, new fingerprints, updated backgrounds at the local, state, federal levels, etc. My head is also swimming with the details, requirements, fees and changes associated with possibly switching programs.

So while there is this building pressure and rush of obligatory action in my head, my heart is still waiting. Waiting to see the child(ren) that will join our family. Waiting for just one tiny bit of info. My head is running and my heart is at a stand still…

This clash between the rush of my head and the anticipation of my heart makes me feel a bit crazy and emotional. So if you see me and I'm in a fog, please understand and know that my brain should return soon. J (A shout out to Chad for being steady as a rock… and my God who is THE rock!) 

Do not let yourselves get tired of doing good. If we do not give up, we will get what is coming to us at the right time. Galatians 6:9