My Meditation

As we continue to await updates on our children and news of adoption proceedings, I go through periods of frustration and sadness. I so appreciate the coffee dates and venting sessions friends grant me. And I am grateful that you lend an ear through this blog.

However, as much as I love chatting about the adoption, I’m learning that talking about where we are at the moment doesn’t lift me up emotionally. Discussing it just feels like I’m running in circles... because whoever I’m conversing with inevitably reflects back to me all of my own frustrations. After all, we can all agree, “it doesn’t make sense that there are so many hurdles when the children are in need and waiting!”

I’ve reconciled that this is 100% out of my hands. So it serves me best to go through the present without dwelling on the challenges. I’m trying to stop thinking of my own thoughts, questions and concerns. Instead, I find peace when I shift my thoughts to God, and Him alone.  
So, I’m trying (and some days it takes serious effort!) to meditate on these things:

This journey isn't necessarily about me and my family. It's about demonstrating faith.
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Proverbs 3:5-6

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-10

God has done amazing things for us and through us in the past. He will continue to do so – He is weaving a testimony of his greatness.
The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Psalm 126:3

God is all-powerful. He IS able.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Ephesians 3:20-21

My role is to be still and faithful.
The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

God loves our children even more deeply than we do. He IS the Father to the Fatherless.
Father of orphans, champion of widows, is God in his holy house. God makes homes for the homeless… Psalm 68:5-6

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11


There's one last verse that has just been implanted in my head and heart in recent months. I repeat this to myself regularly... 

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. Psalm 20:7

Adoption begs for your confidence in adoption agencies, social workers, attorneys, government representatives and others... But I am continually reminding myself that my trust is actually in one so much greater. With that being said, can I ask for your prayers? Happenings and decisions coming up over the next two weeks appear to be very important to our adoption. Please pray that God is making a way for those who represent us. We trust in Him alone. 

     

Margin

It’s a new year, so like everyone else we’re thinking back on 2015 and setting goals for 2016. While working through this whole goal process, I’ve been reflecting on this movement near and dear to my heart called “minimalism.” I love it. It encompasses my whole desire to simplify life and slow down our pace… The concept of minimalism is relative – others may look at my life and say I’m definitely not living with the minimum. Which is true… but in comparison to life 5-10 years ago, we are moving in that direction! And it's really about having a heart that is content with less. We so value the core of this way of thinking. Check out this blog: Becoming Minimalist. It’s one of my greatest models and a source of total inspiration to me! This guy thinks like I think. Love it!

When Chad and I first got married, we had a vision for not getting caught up in the “rat race”. We left corporate America early in our careers, knowing that the demanding hours and promise of higher rungs on the ladder didn’t fit with what we wanted to prioritize and value in life. We thought that career change was a solid preventive measure to avoid the “race.” But we still found ourselves caught up in a busyness that was not healthy. And I’d say 99% of what we were committed to was “good” stuff – it’s just that there is such thing as too much of a good thing.

Simplifying hasn’t been as difficult as I expected, but it has taken a concerted and consistent effort. As we’ve made decisions about time, commitments, relationships and money, we’re had to keep the decisions in the framework of our end goal – slowing down to truly be present in the present.

A piece of the puzzle has been learning to build margin into our lives – especially in our schedule. I looked up the definition of the word “margin” while writing this. It is “an amount of something included so as to be sure of success or safety.” Space. Fluff. I’ll admit, open space intimidates me for some reason. I want to fill it – and fill it fast. But that inevitably leads to the same old busyness that I’m trying to move away from.

So what does having margin mean for me at the moment?

I’m no longer making double (or triple or quadruple) commitments. We’re not going to try to swing by here on the way there before we go to our final destination.

I’m saying no. And sometimes I’m saying no to good things. It’s just not physically possible to say yes to everything. When I say no, it may allow someone else the opportunity to say yes. And when I say yes, you know you'll have my full attention.

We’ve got cushion in our budget. If we need to pay money to farm something out one month because it enables us to focus on something of more mental, emotional or spiritual value, we can do it without stress.

I’ve built space into our calendar and we're prioritizing the sabbath as a day of rest. There are times when we intentionally block off our calendar for nothing. Nothing. Sometimes we end up filling that time, sometimes we don’t. But we have the option. And allotting open time allows me to be available for last minute things without rushing into revamp mode for our whole schedule.

Now that we’re kind of settling into a lifestyle with margin (keep in mind it's a work in progress and always will be!), I’m seeing really great benefits…

It opens us up to build better community. We have time for people because we’re not over-committed. I know more of my friends than their Facebook statuses. We can show up when things are tough and offer to help without restraint. (The old Kristin & Chad were like “I would LOVE to help you, but only if your need falls between X and Y o’clock on Z day of the week.” Hearts were in the right place, just too busy!) 

I like myself a lot more. :) I’m not exhausted. I’m not burnt out. I’m not in a rush. I’m a better friend when I’m not avoiding phone calls that I don’t have time for. I’m a more patient driver when I’m not freaking out over how one additional red light is throwing my entire night’s sequence of events into a tailspin. I’m a more understanding mom when I can take the time to see the root cause of behavior and default to teaching instead of disciplining.

We have room to pursue things that interest us. Chad can go mountain biking without feeling guilty. I can invite neighbors over to do volunteer projects. We can adopt! Yes, we could adopt no matter how busy we were… but the margin has allowed us to prepare, be healthy mentally and physically, and hopefully make the transition the smoothest it can possibly be. 

Although it’s been a little while now since we’ve really gotten in the groove of this margin concept, I didn’t feel like I could quite own up to it before. If someone asked me how I was, it seemed like the only "acceptable" response was "busy." There’s this undercurrent of competition in the world with our busyness... and somehow I bought into the concept that busyness equates to value and importance. 

But I’m owning up to it now. I’m not going to be “busy” in 2016. I have a vision for the year, specific goals and a lot of desires... I'll be present and active... But I won’t be busy for the sake of busyness!

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:1-2 (Message)

"Making" time for the sunrise!

Blessings

We continue to be so incredibly grateful for the financial support we've received towards our adoption. The financial assistance is amazing and lifts a huge burden from our shoulders… allowing us to focus thoughts and preparation on the actual children. But more than just the money, it feels like a tangible sign of the emotional support you all have consistently shown us. Mere “thank you’s” don’t feel like enough!

God continues to bless us in this area as we move forward with adoption expenses. It’s the big blessing that I’ve shared in past posts ("Uh, Isn't that Expensive?" and "Careless in the Care of God"), but it’s also the little day-to-day things that we can only explain as godsends … It’s the “deals” that frequently fall in our laps… like clothes ringing up to mere cents at the store… or finds on Christmas gifts that equate to significant discounts... It’s unexpected rewards. A recent example – we didn’t take the kids to amusement parks this summer. Things like that feel like unnecessary expenses right now and skipping them frees up a little extra $$ for the adoption fund… But after sticking to that “rule” this year, we won tickets to Christmastown at a church event. It was such a sweet little holiday blessing and the kids were so excited!

Christmastown 2015

We started this adoption process in 2013 with an unknown dollar figure for what was to come… we didn’t know how many children would be referred to us and how fees would change while we waited… Our goal was to raise at least one-third of the total expenses.

Two and a half years in, we’ve now walked through a change in country, a referral for TWO kids, and await two additional trips before the children come home with us. We now know that the total costs will exceed $50,000… And we are so happy to report that we have raised over $16,000 towards these expenses. That’s an accumulation of donations, grants, and “payments” for items we’ve made/sold and workshops I’ve held. We are so overwhelmed with gratitude.

So thank you to all of you who have participated in my workshops, bought items from BitsofFab and made donations this year… and an extra thank you to everyone who has been praying for us through this whole process. We have no doubt that the prayers are the foundation for the actual dollar amounts.

A reminder that all donations made directly to Lifesong for Orphans on our behalf are tax-deductible. Lifesong will automatically send you a 2015 receipt if your donations this year totaled $250 or more. If you want to request a receipt for an amount under $250, you can contact them directly at 309.747.4527 or PO Box 40 Gridley, IL 61744. Be sure to reference our account – Blalock/4230.

God With Us

I’ve been struggling with the whole Santa thing this year… We’ve tried to focus the kids on Jesus’ birthday in years past, but Santa’s always vying for their attention. We’ve allowed him be a main character in our Christmas traditions, intertwining his character with biblical accounts and the historical St. Nicolas. My struggle comes when I picture a future conversation between all of our kids… 

New Kids: Who is Santa?

Asher & Cora: What, you don’t know about Santa? He’s this and that and…

New Kids: This is news to us!

Asher & Cora: Santa didn’t come to you? I thought he visited all boys and girls across the world???

And so on… Maybe I’m analyzing it too much, but I foresee it leading to grown-up questions about social injustice and poverty. Questions I don’t know how to answer for them! In an air of avoidance, I debated outing Santa this year… but then thought better of it. I love Asher & Cora’s sweet little faith in everything Christmas.

So our Elf on the Shelf, Nippy, gave us a scripture to read to re-focus each day leading up to Christmas… As I’ve start re-reading the Christmas story, I’ve realized I connect with it in yet another way this season… Walking by faith on a path just above a heap of unknowns is basically Mary’s story. J

God had promised a Savior to the world… but the details were unknown. And when He started revealing His plan, there had to be a sense of “what?” Are you sure this is how it’s going to come together? This is where you’re leading us, God? A virgin birth? A baby for our king? It isn’t what we pictured!

I’m there right now. We know and trust big picture that God is bringing about his will in this adoption… but the twists and turns have left us with a bit of a “what?” feeling… This is where you’ve lead us? Are you working behind the scenes right now? Assuming so, we’d love to be in on it, God!

With all of her unknowns, Mary modeled such faith. She “treasured up” all of the amazing things that she witnessed. I want to do the same. And I can, because I know that Jesus, Emmanual (God-with-us), IS with us and with ALL of our kids.

Mary’s Song of Praise…I’m bursting with God-news;

I’m dancing the song of my Savior God.

God took one good look at me, and look what happened—I’m the most fortunate woman on earth!

What God has done for me will never be forgotten, the God whose very name is holy, set apart from all others.

His mercy flows in wave after wave on those who are in awe before him.

He bared his arm and showed his strength, scattered the bluffing braggarts.

He knocked tyrants off their high horses, pulled victims out of the mud.

The starving poor sat down to a banquet; the callous rich were left out in the cold.

He embraced his chosen child, Israel; he remembered and piled on the mercies, piled them high.

It’s exactly what he promised, beginning with Abraham and right up to now.

 Luke 1:46-56

Unrest

We’ve gotten some disappointing news – our trip to finalize the adoption has been postponed by at least 6 weeks. So we won’t be in Africa this December, as we had hoped and expected. Insert tears here. 

For the past 5 months I’ve been saying December wasn’t a sure thing and that nothing is ever definite with all of this… but the reality is that it was the only information I had. So over time I clung to it and became pretty fixated on traveling by the close of 2015. Now, it'll be a little longer that my heart is stuck in a place of unrest with our family split between continents. 

There are at least five or more “good” reasons that we can focus on as to why this delay may be a positive thing… and I’m still in the Exodus 14:14 mindset of knowing that the Lord is fighting for us and caring for these kids… He must need more time to work things out on their behalf! 

How joyful are those who fear the Lord and delight in obeying his commands. Their children will be successful everywhere; an entire generation of godly people will be blessed… Such people will not be overcome by evil… They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them.  (Psalm 112)

Be Still

We’re almost to the 5 month mark in our 6 month guardianship waiting period… And it feels like all of the thoughts, emotions and prayers are coming to a head. This is the period where I potentially see myself losing my mind.

Oh, how I hate to be still. I don’t stop all day long. I’m not capable of sitting still. I try. I just jump back up with another idea of what I can be doing… I drive myself (and Chad) crazy with this!

Being still has taken on another whole level with this adoption. Everything is completely out of my hands. I can’t even pretend to distract myself with little deeds and doings. There’s absolutely nothing I can do to make it all happen. So I’m in a state of forced stillness.

It’s multi-faceted… It surpasses a physical immobility. It’s a mental stillness where I have to calm my never-ending thoughts and questions. And it goes deeper to an emotional level where I must steady my emotions. (Picture a crazy line graph that’s up and down and all over the board… I’m just trying to even it out with less impassioned highs and lows!)

The stillness goes deeper yet to a spiritual level. Being still before the Lord feels like an impossibility… but the reality is that anything BUT being still is unfeasible.

So I’ve decided to cling to two specific scriptures... They're my current mantras and I've plastered them all over the house. They’re taped to mirrors, cabinets, etc. I have a dear friend texting me one of them daily. I’m trying to embrace this deep stillness and just rest in God. But’s it’s HARD! (And I guess I’m not really successful in being still if I’m running around the house, making signs. That seems more like restless energy than peace!)

Here are the mantras… please pray them for me (and with me because I have a feeling many of us struggle with stillness!)…

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

Some trust in chariots and some in horses (or adoption agencies, lawyers, judges, etc.), but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. Psalm 20:7     

A recent attempt at rest and stillness... :)

Stopping the Madness

I cancelled our newspaper subscription today. Not big news, I know… but I’m feeling proud of myself because I’ve been stalling on pulling the plug. I don’t actually read the paper. I just like perusing ads… especially around the holidays. It's all rooted in fond childhood memories of flipping through the Sears catalog and making Christmas wish lists.

That tradition has been passed along to my kids and each year they take turns flipping through the circulars as Christmas approaches… But why? Just for the fun of it? The tradition?! Because the reality is, I’d rather them not have a never-ending wish list… I want them to learn to be content... To understand the difference between needs and wants… to not be overly influenced by messages of materialism and consumerism.

We’ve been without cable TV for over a year now… We initially did it as a money saver and to cut down on how much TV we watched… the added bonus? No commercials! No longer do I hear sweet little voices repeating tag lines and spelling out website addresses for useless things like pillowpets. Yeah! I'm hoping the lack of store ads has a similar effect!

Side Note: If you're interested in taking little steps to stop the madness, too, check out this link for a great way to change perspective during advent: An Antidote for Holiday Consumerism 

I think about the new kids coming into our house and wonder about the observations they’ll have... “Look at all of these toys! Awesome!” or  “Woah - why so many?” “What in the world do they do with all of this?”  or “They have 18 balls! My friends at my old school were wishing for just one ball...”

More than likely they’ll be overwhelmed. I’m making a mental comparison to how I felt the first time we visited Chuck E Cheese. I believe I was twitching within 30 seconds. Total sensory overload.

And then my mind progresses from a surplus of toys to one of food. What in the world will they think the first time they go to an American grocery store??? From my “first world” perspective, I anticipate that they’ll feel relief at knowing so much food is now accessible to them. I can almost picture them wanting to grab as much as they can… But then I take off my filter and realize that their reaction could likely be very different. They may be confused by the choices, options, variations…  (The cereal aisle, alone, may put them into a panic.) They will be conflicted - why is all of this food here, when the people in my village can’t get enough?

This train of thought reminds me of an impressionable moment on my trip. While sharing dinner one night, we split a large bottle of water between about 10 people, pouring it into individual glasses. My daughter bumped her glass and the water spilled. It was a relatively small amount of water since we had allocated the bottle among so many… and I didn’t really react. Kids spill. It's just water. No big deal. 

The adults at the table immediately jumped up, trying to save some of the water. They chastised her. It was the only time I saw them speak harshly... over spilt water. It slowly sunk in why they were so upset with her - she had just lost a valuable commodity. The one thing not to be wasted… Water.

Later that night I was showing the kids photos of life here. Pictures of our family, house, schools, foods. The kept returning to one particular photo of Asher in our neighborhood splash park. After the water incident earlier in the evening, I was regretting including the photo in the book. There was water on the ground, water in the background, water all over his body. He was playing in an excess of the very thing they ration. They were a bit mesmerized, but mainly confused. I fielded MANY questions over that one picture.

Asher playing in our neighborhood splash park.

The contrast between little vs. much... lacking and excess (like wish lists from Sears catalogs!!)… Accessibility and unavailability… I am no closer to comprehending these disparities than I was months ago… How will these sweet little brains perceive and process it all??? I'm praying that with God's help, they come to know this to be true: "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:12.

You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.  1 Corinthians 10:23-24 (NLT)