Got That Feeling

Isn’t it awesome when you actually feel something deep in your core versus just knowing it in your head?

That’s where we are, friends. We are FEELing like a family… and it’s wonderful!

The idea of going on a full blown family vacation seemed like “too much” over the past year. It didn’t even cross our minds as something doable. We had too many adjustments, too many appointments, too much catching up with academics, too much adoption debt, etc. Plus, anything unexpected or out of our typical routine sent some of the kids into a tailspin. Vacation was not a priority – we were just trying to manage the daily grind.  

The early effects of James’ PTSD diagnosis and related episodes had left ALL of the kids reeling. The stress and uncertainty led us to make lifestyle changes that felt confining. It was really difficult for the kids to see past some of the trauma and connect with one another. Yet as we moved through 2018, we were seeing positive growth. Comfort levels were increasing. Seeds of trust were being planted… but we continued to feel like we needed a spark of some kind to ignite their sibling relationships.

And then there was sweet Esther who got sad whenever we talked about memories from before she joined our family. “Please stop talking about that. It makes me feel left out,” she’d say. And of course, it would – it was when our worlds and experiences were millions of miles apart!

We stumbled upon Adventure Is Out There (https://adventure.ngo/), a non-profit run by three amazing people who understand the needs of adoptive families. Their mission is to create nurturing experiences that spur bonding. All of a sudden, the idea of a vacation sounded doable. And not only doable, but it could also be the “spark” we needed to transition from surviving as a family to thriving as a family!

On Thanksgiving we let the kids know that we had been granted a trip to Disney World… and in January we experienced a magical week with AIOT and two other amazing adoptive families. We were supported and encouraged. The kids truly bonded. They had so much fun together and spent more time directly interacting than they ever have before. It was absolutely wonderful.

So we’re back to the daily grind, but with a ton of joint memories in our back pockets. We truly FEEL like a family! Thank you AIOT!!

  

We are committed to paying this experience forward and helping AIOT grant trips to future adoptive families. Are you interested in helping? Visit https://donorbox.org/aiot!

Love in Action

So it's hit me that this is no longer my "adoption" blog. That journey has ended. We're just a family now. A family with some differences, adjustments, challenges and quirks... but isn't that every family?! 

Thank you for walking with us. We appreciate your thoughts, prayers, concern and encouragement more than you know. Most of all, thank you for celebrating with us that there are two less orphans in the world! If there's anything that we hope you've learned with us through this process, it's that love is an action word. :)

And we believe the greatest example of love in action is God sending his son to this Earth to be our Savior. So Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

2018

2017... What a difference a year makes!

But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could adopt us as his very own children. Galatians 4:4-5

All Your Promises

We're coming up on the one year anniversary of James and Esther coming home with us. In some ways time flies, in other ways, this was by far the longest year of our lives. The milestones were many, both big and small. So many, that it became easy to overlook the growth happening every day in our home.

As we look back, it’s overwhelming on so many levels and difficult to even know where to start in summing it all up. You see the cutesy Facebook posts and photos – these kids are energetic and resilient. They are transforming before our eyes. It’s such a privilege to have front row seats as their futures unfold.

We continue to not feel comfortable in “publicizing” the struggles we’ve seen this year – I would never want our kids to be embarrassed. It’ll be their story to tell in the future. We have walked through darkness mixed in with the many moments of love, joy, and healing.

The meditation in my mind recently has been one lyric over and over again… “all Your promises are yes and amen.”  I could go on and on about God’s promises and how we’ve seen and felt them this year… but I’ll tap into my love of lists and give you bullet points.

- God will never leave us

Cora's Thanksgiving Project

No matter what the circumstance, we do not need to fear because God will not leave us. My kids have heard this, but this year they felt it and experienced it. It’s a truth they now hold dear.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

- God is a refuge

We have needed to retreat this year. We have pulled away from some relationships and commitments, knowing we needed a refuge. And God has tangibly been that refuge. I have caught all four of the kids reading their Bible, trying to “feel better” lately. And I so appreciate that they know where to turn from true refreshment. God will not leave us comfortless if we seek Him. 

The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Psalm 9:9
I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you. John 14:18

- God gives us strength, power and wisdom

We have floundered and questioned. We have felt hopeless. But when we felt the most inadequate, we also strangely felt the most equipped because it was clear God was empowering us. 

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. James 1:5
He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Isaiah 40:29

- God protects us and is a light in the darkness

We have needed physical protection at times. We have had more “near misses” than I can count. But we walked away with minor inflictions every single time. I can’t stress enough how strongly we have felt and clung to God’s protection. 

Night times were incredibly difficult and escalated for many months. The week the kids’ spent at Royal Family Kids Camp was a transformation in many ways… and one of the biggest changes was when God’s truth sunk in that He is light. Nights are peaceful in our house now – and the lights are off!

But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3

God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. 1 John 1:5

- God meets our needs

He has met our needs over and over again, often times before we even voiced them. But even more so, He has graciously given us more than what we need. And we are so incredibly grateful. 

The biggest example? We’ve been feeling a shift in our home. It feels like we are transitioning from “surviving” to what is becoming “thriving.” We are seeing so many positive transformations – in bonding, learning, communicating, self awareness, etc. We wanted to celebrate that and turn the page in a way. And do you know how we’re going to do it? In Disney World! An absolutely wonderful non-profit, Adventure is Out There (adventure.ngo), is sending our family to Disney for what they call “a nurturing experience”, a.k.a. total craziness and a ton of family bonding. We can’t wait!!!

For all of God's promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a resounding "Yes!" And through Christ, our "Amen" (which means "Yes") ascends to God for his glory. 2 Cor. 1:20

Living Out Life Lessons

You know when you read a book and something resonates with you as a bit of “good information.” It makes sense – it’s a clear, concise, important bit of knowledge that you store, knowing one day you may have to apply it.

And then that day comes. You’re living out something you previously only read about – so it’s no longer just intellectual, it’s now REAL on a new level. You realize that the information you had was good. It was true, right and applicable… but you didn’t know the depth of it and couldn’t truly understand it until you were actually living it yourself.

That’s where we are these days. Some of the lessons we’re living in our house are…

- “All you need is love” isn’t quite true when you’re piecing a family together through adoption. You need patience, structure, nurture, understanding, mercy, faith and so much more! 

- Wounds from abandonment run deep. Responses and reactions are multi-layered. Cries are guttural. Emotions have a profound intensity. As a parent watching and loving, there are often no words – just your presence and prayers.  

- Felt security is a long-term process. Physically being protected and surrounded by people who are loving doesn’t guarantee that you truly FEEL secure. Felt security will hopefully develop over time through consistency and focus on attachment. Emotional security will hopefully also grow to a point where emotions are not so easily disturbed and distressed. But these things can't be rushed or forced.  

- “I don’t know” is a real and acceptable answer. I don’t know because I don’t remember… I don’t know why I did XYZ because the urges I feel are stronger than my impulse control… I don’t know because my brain flips to an innate survival mode. It literally freezes… I don’t know because I am overwhelmed and stuck in sensory overload… I don’t know because I have so many fear-based behaviors that I can’t even pinpoint my exact fears… I don’t know what to do – but thank God I don’t need to know all of the answers! 

- Nurturing can truly fill in developmental gaps and literally rewire the brain. We are following the TBRI (Trust-Based Relational Intervention) model in our home, which ties into parenting kids from hard places with a connected and attachment-focused approach. It’s simple in theory, but so hard to implement some days. It feels weird at times. I often have to make myself do the opposite of what comes to mind as a traditional parent. But we are seeing them progress through missed developmental stages in amazing ways. When we step back to look at how far we've come in only 10 months, It almost feels like we're watching home videos of developmental progress on fast forward. Truly amazing.  

- We have a gracious God who will walk with us through anything and never leave us. He uses us and our shortcomings to do things that are only possible with His strength, power, love and forgiveness.

Kindness is Countagious

Can I tell you the tale of the Kindness Jar?

When school got out, we had about a week of bliss... and then the bickering began. I am confident you all have lived this too. It's the timeless story of summertime siblings. 

I found myself in this cycle of only saying negative or corrective things - stop. don't. redo. no. It was a spiral downward. I kept thinking I need to turn this around somehow... but really, they just need to stop! :)

Could I bribe them? No, I refused to bribe my kids to be kind to one another. 

After another day of negativity,  I reconsidered - should I bribe them? No. I will not pay my kids to be kind!

Another day of negativity. A moment of desperation... Enter the little fishbowl that I found in our attic. It used to be a reward system for toddler-aged Asher and Cora. I actually tried to give it away when I was cleaning stuff out, but the people who said they wanted it never picked it up... It's like God knew I still needed that fish bowl!

I assigned everyone a colored ball. If I caught someone doing something kind, their colored ball went in the jar. At the end of the week, we'd cash out for a quarter per ball. 

Weeks 1-2... I rewarded every. little. thing. It started out pretty self-centered. "Look, mom, did you see that I just did? Do I get a ball for that minuscule act of kindness I just performed?" 

Week 3... I raised the bar. Only larger, selfless acts of kindness earned a ball. It became a fun challenge.

Week 4... I no longer needed to initiate the rewards. The conversations transitioned to "Mom, so and so deserves a ball. They just did XYZ." This was better than expected - they were becoming so focused beyond themselves they wanted to make sure others earned balls! 

Week 5+... No balls needed. The jar is sitting in our kitchen and the kids aren't asking to cash out. Everyone is just flat out being kind to one another. Woo hoo!! 

May contagious kindness roll into the upcoming school year... 

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

  

Princess Esther

We had the privilege of sending James and Esther to Royal Family Kids Camp last week. It’s a sleepaway camp for children from hard places that gives the kids a TON of positive attention. The “cousins” at camp truly sow into these kids - they see their potential and claim God's promises for these kids. James and Esther were glowing when I picked them up. It was just amazing.

When they came home after being away for a few days, it gave me a chance to look at them with fresh eyes… in less than 9 months, God has transformed these kids in so many BIG ways, but sometimes we don’t notice because the changes are so gradual in our day to day life.

So I wanted to take a minute to give you an example with Esther…

When Esther first joined our family, she did not feel pretty. She refused to wear dresses and would ask me to give her “ugly” clothes. She yelled and cried if I used adjectives like “beautiful.” She wouldn’t look in the mirror. She tore out her hair whenever she felt especially upset. Oh, the wild and crazy stories I could tell you about the 12 hours leading up to the "picture perfect" moment in the photo below (from our holiday tea party at the Jefferson)!! 

Fast forward a few months… to where she started to feel more loved and secure. She didn’t argue with us quite as much when we complimented her. She started to enjoy “hair days” when I style her hair. She discovered that she did, in fact, like fancy things. So much so, she went to the arcade totally decked out, high heels and all.

Fast forward, again, to last week. She had an air of confidence and grace. She glided through camp in a big ball gown, twirling and dancing for everyone. She had the courage to perform a dance in a variety show. And she came home, proclaiming her role as a princess in God’s kingdom. 

She is still shy in accepting compliments. She may look the other way, but you'll notice a little grin and know that your words are sinking in. She has questions about her race, her hair type, her size, etc., but she can now verbalize them and gains a stronger sense of self after each of our chats. She has confident days and insecure days (just like the rest of us)! But the overriding theme is that she's coming into herself. She is getting comfortable in who God created her to be. She can mentally grasp that she is highly valued, even if she doesn't always feel it or believe it.   

This is just one of hundreds of changes we are witnessing in our kids. It is so incredibly precious to observe this growth and God's transformative power. We can't wait to see how she continues to grow in her self-esteem as God's (and our) precious daughter!

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made..."

"... Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

I couldn't leave Beautiful Cora out of our photo shoot! 

Sum-Sum-Summertime

I'll admit it. I haven't quite been looking forward to school getting out. Given the chance, I'll always prefer structure over a lack-there-of... so the wide-open summer is daunting. So daunting that I can't not put some form of structure around it!

Summer Survival Plan :)

I've been memorizing the serenity prayer. And I've been having flashbacks to what I only half-jokingly refer to as the "dark" summer of 2011. That was the summer when I tried to balance working from home while caring for a baby and a three-year-old. Cora NEVER slept. And Chad was on a 24/7 work assignment.

I've been anxious about the summer for two main reasons... 

One, structure has served us well over the past few months. Our new kids feel safest and most calm when there are clear transitions and well-known expectations. Any "outside the box" activity tends to end with a meltdown on some level - and it can take days to recover and re-establish ourselves.

Two, this connected, attachment based parenting that we're proactively using to best support our family is emotionally exhausting. I am so glad I have training in it... I believe in it... I see the amazing growth in James and Esther... And I am so grateful for a support system of other adoptive parents who understand it (because sometimes it seems counter-productive from the outside looking in)... but it is TIRING and requires me to just push beyond the boundaries that are comfortable to me, personally. 

That being said, it hit me yesterday that I need to let go of this anxiety and go into the summer expecting God to do amazing things. This will be a summer of a ton of fun firsts. This will be the summer when deep bonds are forged. This will be a summer of new independences. This will be the summer when we experience even more of God's blessings. I'm ready!

So let’s not allow ourselves to get fatigued doing good. At the right time we will harvest a good crop if we don’t give up, or quit. Right now, therefore, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith. Galatians 6:9-10 (MSG)