Head Vs. Heart

This week has been difficult for me mentally. My head is just full to the brim of adoption stuff. I don’t even know how to explain it adequately to those of your not immersed in this world… because I know from the outside it must sound like, “so what, you have some paperwork to keep up with?”

The strain comes from the extensive (and always changing) paperwork across multiple states, agencies and countries that all have different requirements and requests. So my head is full of hundreds of adoption details that I need to track and ensure are up to date and filed properly… and we are now at a point where our previous home study has expired – so we need new home visits, new financial records, new medical tests, new fingerprints, updated backgrounds at the local, state, federal levels, etc. My head is also swimming with the details, requirements, fees and changes associated with possibly switching programs.

So while there is this building pressure and rush of obligatory action in my head, my heart is still waiting. Waiting to see the child(ren) that will join our family. Waiting for just one tiny bit of info. My head is running and my heart is at a stand still…

This clash between the rush of my head and the anticipation of my heart makes me feel a bit crazy and emotional. So if you see me and I'm in a fog, please understand and know that my brain should return soon. J (A shout out to Chad for being steady as a rock… and my God who is THE rock!) 

Do not let yourselves get tired of doing good. If we do not give up, we will get what is coming to us at the right time. Galatians 6:9

Dates

Do you have special dates that you celebrate? I’m not good about that… we do birthdays and the major holidays… we have family traditions and take photos often... But I have no recollection of milestones beyond birthdays and anniversaries… When did Chad and I meet? Neither of us remembers exactly. When was our first date? No idea. When did the kids hit various developmental milestones? Don’t know – didn’t track it. I probably assumed I’d remember, but that didn’t happen. J

We are hoping that 2015 will bring some important dates for our family... We are moving forward in anticipation. We even bit the bullet and are starting the new year with a "new" minivan to make room for more carseats! :)

Bring on positive adoption news in 2015!

However, there are specific dates THIS month that are weighing on my mind. We recently learned about two children in Africa that are on a waiting list to be adopted from their country. We are gathering more information from our agency (ever so slowly... much patience required!) and seeing what changing our adoption country would entail (mounds of paperwork, I am sure!). We know only their names and birthdates... And they both happen to have birthdays this month. So I have written those dates in my calendar and plan to spend those days specifically praying that they sense hope and a future. 

I don’t know if they will be ours… I am hopeful… but something about having these dates makes me feel personally connected to them. If they are meant for another family, I can at least know that I supernaturally supported them in 2015.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

On a side note, while I will never win a prize for tracking dates, I do enjoy keeping track of amusing things that our kids say. Here are a few good ones for you. Hope you are as amused as I am...

“Oww! Cora scratched me without asking if there was an itch.” - Asher 

“I like hot in my bath and on my mac-n-cheese.” – Cora

“I wish there was one kid in our family and it would be ME. We could adopt Asher back to the hospital.” – Cora (Her world is about to be rocked!)

The Testing

I recently came across two quotes that I’ve tied together to great my present-day mantra:

“If you think you are being tested, then you are."  But...

"As surely as He's tested me, He's also given me testimony."

I feel like I’m being tested! We have been on this journey for over a year now… 14 months since the initial paperwork was started… and 11 months waiting with an official dossier submitted to Ethiopia. It feels like so much longer because this adoption was on our hearts for years prior to us even initiating the process in 2013.

I’ll be honest – I didn’t think it’d take this long. I heard everyone when they said the time frames would be unpredictable, waiting would feel long, processes would change multiple times, etc…. But I mentally glossed over all of that. Moving forward with the adoption was so aligned with our life purpose and calling… and the initial paperwork went so smoothly. So I allowed myself to assume the hurdles might not apply.

We probably all fall into thinking this way sometimes… we assume if our motives are good or if we’re doing something at God's prompting, it will be easy. But He doesn’t promise us that.

I’m accepting that now. I’m accepting that more twists and turns are likely to come. I’m accepting that my faith is being tested in many ways. I’m accepting that God’s ways aren’t my ways…. And I’m willing to accept a Christmas miracle if God decides to refer us a child now. ;)

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Proverbs 3:5-6 (Message)

(P.S. Lots of rest time during a period of waiting... we probably won't get this many naps when our family grows!)

I Believe

Asher is a little more “up” on world news than I expected for a 1^st grader. He soaks in absolutely every he hears - even with I think he's not paying a bit of attention. Out of the blue yesterday he asked me if “that Kaci girl is following the rules and staying in her house”. J

I consciously leave the TV news on when he’s in the room because I want him to be exposed to the world outside of our nice little suburban bubble. At times I’ve wondered if I should turn it off to prevent him from becoming fearful from the negative stories, but it always turns into a launching pad for some great discussions. 

So today he asked me if his friend, who is sick, has ebola. When I said no and explained a little more about the disease, he told me that Jesus could “snap his fingers and get rid of ebola.” He also reminded me that Jesus may chose not to, but "He could if He wanted to". What sweet faith my little man has!

Could he be any cuter?

I can learn from Asher. God is continuing to speak to me about my faith through this adoption… I find myself mentally chanting “I believe you” throughout the day! 

I am reminding myself to believe Him when He says:

• He is the one true father to the fatherless
  “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.” Psalm 68:5-6
  
• He works for good on my behalf
  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
  
• His thoughts and ways are higher and wider than my own“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
  
• He is my peace and comfort through this adoption process“You who are my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me.” Jeremiah 8:18

And by believing these things and truly accepting them, I’m having to let go of my own thoughts, worries and expectations… I choose to believe him and gratefully accept the peace of mind that comes to me!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Disconnected

So, this pattern is starting to emerge in our life. It’s already happened a handful of times and I have a sneaking suspicion that it will continue as we move forward… Updates from our adoption agency coincide with business trips for Chad. We keep receiving e-mail updates right as Chad is heading out of town. I read an update and all I want to do is discuss and digest it with him. But he’s gone and I have to wait. Aghhh!

I’ve jokingly said that it’s probably for the best. Not being able to hash through the information with Chad leaves me to process it on my own… And to rely on prayer instead of human conversation.

Last week, it went to a whole new level. We received an adoption update Wednesday. I wouldn’t say it was negative, but it definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It was realistic and not overly optimistic about the continued wait time for referrals from Ethiopia. The changes they are making in-country continue to trickle down and affect the movement (or lack thereof) for international adoptions.

I called Chad to chat about it, but he was already in the throes of travel and inaccessible. So I figured that while he was away I could really take the time to be still, process the information, and seek the Lord. To do that, I decided to take a 3-day Facebook hiatus. I logged off and removed the app from my phone… No Facebook.

Literally, just a few minutes later the internet went down in our whole house. No Facebook. No e-mail. No Netflix. Definitely time to be still and pray… but also some time to text and vent with friends…   

I woke up the next morning and my phone was dead. It just stopped working. No Facebook. No e-mail. No Netflix. No texts. No calls. Seriously. I was a little freaked out by the whole scenario. Chad was gone and I had no way to communicate with anyone. 

I had disconnect from the world, but plenty of ways to connect with God - stillness, reading, meditation and prayer. And that time was so beneficial and uplifting to me! The message that I needed to hear was clear… God is saying to me, do you believe me? Not do you believe IN me… do you really BELIEVE ME? Because believing Him means letting go of trusting the things of this world (agencies, countries, laws, adoption processes)… and all of the worry, anxiety and mental time frames associated with them. It means trusting His power and His plan. I want that!

 “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)

And here’s the coolest part of the whole thing… Chad came home having a similar message and outlook after digesting the agency update. He feels a renewed contentment with having faith in God’s power and plan. A sense of relief that all we have to do is believe Him.

God spoke to both of us last week, separately, but together. Love that!

(P.S. All communication is back up and running! :))

Blogosphere

I so miss having a pencil and address book! I do not have an active list of phone numbers and mailing addresses anymore. And I realized this morning that I don't even have e-mail addresses for people! That's how engrossed in Facebook I've become... for many of you it's how we communicate. I don't know how to get ahold of you outside of Facebook!

So for those of you who didn't get my e-mail this morning, here it is on the blogosphere. :) 



Hi friends... 

I'm not trying to rush the next few months... but it just hit me that we're transitioning into the end of 2014! I made that realization as I was planning out my final adoption fundraiser workshops for the holiday season. And while I was thinking about the workshops, my mind wandered to how grateful we are for all of you supporting this (LONG) process! 

The financial support is measurable - we've raised over $3000 between the craft workshops and Bits of Fab (and the grand total raised is even more thanks to generous supporters!)... but the emotional and spiritual support is even more valuable. It can't put it in numbers, but it's priceless to me! :)

So please keep spreading the word about the workshops... and please don't tire of praying for us and this adoption. ;)

Kristin


Upcoming Workshops:

Painted Burlap
Wednesday, November 12 @ 6:30pm

Christmas Card/Gift Card Wreath
Tuesday, December 2 @ 10am OR 6:30pm

Family Birthday Sign (GREAT Gift Idea!!)
TBD

Seeing Clearly

I'm the exact opposite of a procrastinator. I get an idea and I want to just run with it. No waiting. No postponing. Immediate gratification. (This is why you can find me at Hobby Lobby multiple times in one day… I get an idea and immediately run up the street to grab supplies so I can get started!)

In the adoption realm, I feel content waiting for a period of time… and then I hit a patch of restlessness. My impatience leads me to thinking maybe I can act in some way. I can circumvent the wait. There has to be something I can do… Surely, I can take control of this… So I start re-reading, re-researching, inquiring here and there… searching for something that can be done to speed up this process.

But the more I try to maneuver, the more frustrated I get. I try to go this way, and remember we looked into that before and there was a catch. I look into another direction and realize it’s a dead-end. I read and read and read. I zig zag through ideas, websites, contacts… and I exhaust myself. It is mentally and emotionally draining.

And then I come to a place where I see clearly again. Yes, I temporarily lost sign of the big picture, but it's within my vision again… 

This is not our family’s adoption story. This is God’s adoption journey that He is entrusting to our family. It’s HIS children in Africa that He loves. It’s HIS all-knowing nature that is already preparing us (our family and those children) for one another. It’s HIS timing. I can’t speed that up. I wouldn’t want to – because I know that HIS gifts are GOOD. And those good gifts are HIS idea of good, not mine. So it’s all going to come together in a way that’s bigger and more beautiful than I can even imagine…  

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

(Kind of like our marriage. A gift that was more than I could have even imagined! Happy 10 years, Chad! J)

Then...

...and now.